Ow

Well, I didn't write for a month. Goodness. Anyway, I've made this so it's just my journal, really - only I and those people I invite can view it. And since I haven't issued any invitations, no one can view it. Yet. Maybe I'll let N view it one of these days, although it's embarrassing to have my thoughts and frustrations and dreams out there for everyone to see. Anyway...February.

February was filled with good news for lots of other people, but not us. I'll try the bullet method to sum things up...I'm really ready to move on to March. I mean, it's not like anything horrible happened, but it just wasn't the way that I wanted March to turn out.

• My college roommate is pregnant with her 2nd child. The irony here is that when we were in college, she had awful, awful endometriosis. I had to inject her with Lupron every month for a while - maybe 3-4 months? - to try to get it under control. She had surgery when we were juniors, and then again after we left college. And we were thinking that she would never get pregnant. But 3.5 years ago - right when we were planning our wedding - she did. Great news! We were so happy for her - I was so happy to have her, pregnant, standing up there with me. And now she is pregnant again. When we were in college, I thought for some reason that I would be a fertile Myrtle (hah) and so I offered my uterus in case she ever needed it. But now she is actually offering to me. *sigh* I'm not sure that I would ever take her up on it, but it just shows how life can bite you in the butt sometimes. I just wish that I could be purely happy for her...not happy tinged with sadness or jealousy. I hate that I can't just be happy for her - I want to be happy for her while also celebrating my own pregnancy. So, I am happy for her - but also sad for me. And sad that we will not have babies at the same time. I am hoping she has a wonderful, easy little baby with this one -her first child is...not as easy as I would have hoped. He still doesn't sleep that well, and he's going to be 3. So I hope she gets an easy one this time around. :)
  
• My best friend from high school - a fertile Myrtle if ever there was one, except for maybe my sister-in-law - asked me on the phone a few weeks ago if we were "ever going to think about having kids". I haven't told her about our issues - my surgery, the sperm count issues, etc. - because I just haven't wanted to get into it. Interesting, actually, now that I ponder it. I have much "newer" friends who I have told everything. It might be that this friend's mother is best friends with my mother - and from my experiences with that social network, I know that everything I tell her will eventually wind up getting back to my mother. Again, not that my mother doesn't know anything - but she doesn't know everything. And I'm not sure that I want her all up in my business about when I am ovulation/when we are doing IUI's, etc. So for now I am not telling Jennifer anything. Maybe someday, when we either have a baby, or have given up - I will tell her something.
• I had my first IUI on Valentine's weekend - or President's day weekend, whichever you prefer to call it. Positive OPK on Saturday afternoon, called and scheduled the IUI for Sunday. Lab director (I love how involved the head folks are at our hospital) called Saturday night - they were swamped with IVF transfers, and could we come a little later? So we showed up at 9:30, they took N back, he did his thing. There was this nasty, nasty woman there - fat, with a kerchief covering her hair, and I think she had flip flops on? It's a while ago now. Anyway, she was belching and coughing and was just generally nasty. I didn't want to get anywhere NEAR her, thank you very much. I read and tried to ignore her snorting, coughing, nasty self. Bleah. Once N finished up, we had to kill 1.5 hours in a very quiet hospital on a Sunday morning, on a long weekend. Oof. I was just glad we didn't run into anyone we know (small town and all that). We read in one of the patient lounge areas that I'm sure is much busier during the week. We went back, waited a bit (there was a woman there waiting for her embryo transfer) I picked up the specimen - forgot my DL in the waiting room, argh. She was nice and funny - the sample was rather viscous and I can't remember the exact nubmers, but the sample wasn't fantastic in terms of motility and number. Went upstairs...no, wait, downstairs, to the clinic, and found Lois, the RN on that weekend. N waited in the waiting room - he's not so keen on the whole hospital thing - while she did the IUI itself. They don't give you anywhere to put the sample - hello, it's hard to hold onto while you are getting your pants off! N came in when it was finished - she wanted me to wait 15 minutes - and we watched some HGTV. Decided to go out to lunch when all was finished. 15 minutes passed, I decided to get dressed, and then we couldn't find her. Nowhere to be found. It was so strange - we looked all over - N heard something down the hall, I looked in every room - nope. No Lois. So, so strange. So we just left - that was weird, too. Was she still there? Hiding somewhere? I mean, she had to know that we would be finishing up around then?? So that was strange. I figured I would call if I had questions. We went out to lunch, which was nice - I got a fantastic salad at this place downtown. Need to keep it in mind for lunches during the week, once the weather is warmer. And, you know, once the students head home for the summer. :) Came home and had a nice afternoon - took the dog for a walk, etc. So that was the first IUI - pretty anticlimactic, if you ask me.
  
• But I had a bad feeling about it from the beginning. I have no idea why - there was no reason to be particularly pessimistic about the procedure, N had a reasonable count once she washed and spun the sample, but I just felt really negative about it. I was tempted to not even give up wine for the two weeks - that was how bleah I felt about our chances. And, of course, yesterday I was proven right. BFN this cycle. I drank last night and I'm having a drink tonight - N is away until tomorrow afternoon and I just felt like drowning my sorrows a bit. Thank goodness I am home alone. :P I don't know what to think about the next IUI...I guess it will be in a couple of weeks (probably another weekend, knowing our luck) and I hope that it goes better than this one. It's weird - on the one hand, I was sure sure sure that it would work and I would be 32 weeks' pregnant and J&K's wedding in September. On the other hand, I just did not think it would work this time. So I'm not sure what that's all about. I'm sad it didn't work -just not surprised.
  
• So, on top of the whole unsuccessful IUI thing this month...a friend of ours who has probable PCOS and long cycles is pregnant. She found out on Thurs. She told me when she was ovulating - V-day weekend, of course! - and that they finally timed the sex right. And it worked. First time that they paid attention to the timing. Again, I'm so so happy for them - they will be great parents - but I am so so sad that it isn't this easy for us. I mean, I know they've been trying for a really long time, but the first time with opks? Seriously? It's just another kick in the teeth, as I told N. I just want to have a baby. Why does it have to be so hard?
• The other thing I have been thinking a lot about is whether we have the $$ for an IVF cycle. I am going to have to call the insurance company - I have a $25000 cap on infertility treatments, lifetime. I think that they just count what they pay to the hospital, not what the actual charges are, so that helps. But I don't know if we can afford it - or if the cap will cover it.
  

I'm just so sad about all of this. I know we would be good parents - and it's been so easy for everyone else we know. Seriously. All of N's friends just look at their wives sideways, and poof! they're pregnant! It's so frustrating. And I'm really starting to think that we're just not going to be able to be parents like I thought we were going to be.

Catch-up

Goodness, how did it get to be the END of January, now? Argh...I have so many thoughts about the whole process of trying to get pregnant going through my head, and then life interferes and I can barely finish what I need to finish, let alone type out my thoughts. Hang on, though - must flip the laundry...

Okay, I'm back. Anyway, nothing much is happening on the trying-to-get-pregnant front, because we decided to skip this cycle. I'm okay with that - if I had gotten pregnant, then the timing would have conflicted with N's brother's wedding. The wedding is much-anticipated (second wedding for him, after a disastrous first wedding) and I just know that if I hadn't been able to attend, then his parents would have made me feel guilty for it. Even though it would have been, you know, a medical reason. They are all about the drama. All about it. *sigh* So, anyway, we are going to pick up again next cycle. Fortunately, this cycle should end sometime this weekend - temp hasn't dropped yet but should - and then we are on our way.

It's interesting to ponder the whole IUI thing in the abstract, but I am still rather apprehensive about how it will actually occur in reality. It'll be interesting to see how I feel about it after the first one. I mean, we've been having timed/targeted inter.course for what feels like forever now, and each time that could have resulted in pregnancy, but each time, of course, it hasn't. So I am having a hard time getting my hopes up, to be honest. I just have this feeling that we'll blow through our three IUI's and only have enough money left for one IVF, and poof...there goes our chance at a family. We can't afford to adopt and, well, I guess that would be it. Who, me, overthink? Never...But it is something that's on my mind. I guess all I can do is wait and see what happens. And if I do get pregnant, my goodness, do we have some cleaning up to do in that middle bedroom...

N was asked - in a hey, this is maybe-possibly going to happen, do you think you could...? kind of way - to go to TX in Feb for this conference thing. However, on his own, he realized that it would conflict with the first IUI (likely, given my ovulation history) and poof! he blamed me, said we were going out of town, sorry, it's been planned, etc. etc. etc. Wow! It makes me happy that he is so aware and is, for lack of a better term, on board with all we've been through and decided in the last few months.

Classes started - I have to take a couple this semester, even though I am technically a post doc. Of course, overall I am just a huge, huge nerd, so I am happy to be back in classes...particularly since I don't have to take them for a grade. Yay, learning for learning's sake! (told you I was a nerd...) Anyway, it is good to be on-campus for a few hours a day, most days a week. I feel productive and engaged and....well, to be honest? I feel happier than I have felt in a long, long time. Maybe that's why I'm so ambivalent about the whole baby thing right now? Although I am angry about the octuplets...so angry that I don't even want to go there.

Anyway, it's good to be on campus. I am reconnecting with friends, with people I know on faculty, and making it known that we want to stay here when this post doc is done. I hope I will have a good shot at a faculty position when all is said and done...of course, I need to be productive in the post doc, first!

N is away until tomorrow at another conference, lucky him. Hm. I expected to hear from him before this - I guess things ran late this afternoon. Anyway, it's quiet here, but that's not all bad. I slept like the dead last night, and only woke up when my alarm went off. I love him, but sometimes? A bed to myself is just what I need...

Mid-January, already??

How is that possible? And how is it possible that I haven't written in two weeks? Sheesh....

My brother came through his surgery just fine. I think he goes back to work on Tuesday - he is in the banking industry so they have Monday off. Anyway, he was less whiny than we all thought he was going to be - just goes to show what we know - and my mom was really good about updating me on his status. So that makes me feel good - I just hope that he doesn't get sick nearly as often now that he has had the surgery.

I had my one-month post-op appointment this past Monday. It was fine, although still a little...unsatisfying. I mean, she answered all of my questions, and we have a plan, but I think I'm starting to get to the "why me" part of the whole infertility thing. It's just...frustrating. N was able to come with me because he took an unpaid day off of work (they're trying to save $$$ and not lay people off...he is all for that, so has scheduled a few unpaid days off). I was glad he was able to come - but bummed because it was kind of an atypical visit. We had to wait nearly 45 minutes for the doc to come in the room. I wonder if the residents are still off for the holidays? Because it was a staff doc, and that doesn't usually happen. Anyway, it was a woman I'd not met before, but she had done a good job of reading up on what had happened previously. She reiterated that everything looked good on the lap - that my tubes looked "beautiful" - and that there was no sign of the hydrosalpinx that was the cause of all this worry. So, so weird. I meant to ask - but didn't - what could cause the HSG to look like I have a hydrosalpinx when there isn't one there. It was reassuring to hear that structurally things are fine. She suggested that we start right in with unmedicated IUI's. I asked about that - apparently, since we know that I am ovulating, there isn't much benefit to adding the meds, and they raise the risk of multiples (soooo not interested in having multiples). So we're going to proceed with the IUI's. The first one should be this weekend - I haven't yet had my positive opk, but it should be today or tomorrow.

N is doing very well with this, it seems, but then he'll say stuff in emails that makes me think that he is feeling guilty that it seems to be a male factor problem. I wish I could help him see that it's not his fault that this is happening. I've tried reassuring him, but I'm not sure he is hearing me.

And then, of course, there are added complications....His parents are being weird again - I will have to write about their reaction too our wedding and wedding photographer sometime - and the drama just drives me crazy. On the plus side, his brother - almost 40, divorced for a few years - met a very nice woman (by all accounts...I haven't met her) and they are going to get married in September. Fantastic, right? In northern CA, near Napa, and they're paying for us to stay at this fabulous resort that we would never ever be able to afford ever. Did I mention ever? The problem? If I get pregnant on this cycle - and I'm not holding my breath, but it could happen - then I will be 36 weeks pregnant at the time of their wedding. Right on the edge of being able to travel. And this is what has been frustrating me for the past few days. If we weren't having trouble getting pregnant, then this wouldn't be a deal at all. In the first place, we'd likely already have a kid. In the second place, if we managed to get pregnant spontaneously and the timing just happened to be crappy, oh well! nothing you can do about it! But when you're infertile and relying on modern medicine to help you out...there is always the question of whether to proceed with it this cycle because if it works, and if I get pregnant, and if I am unable to travel to the wedding, then, well, I wouldn't put it past his family to blame me for that.

The money part of the infertility stuff is also bothering me. It drives me nuts that the decisions we're making about building our family - one baby? Two? - are driven, in part, by whether we're going to have money to get me pregnant. My insurance has a $25000 cap on infertility treatments, lifetime. So, we've already lost about $5000 because of the consultations and the surgery. Down to $20000. And now we're going to do some IUI's. That'll drop us by another $1000 or so. And then if we have to go to IVF, we'll probably only have enough money left for one try. That just doesn't seem right. And if we get to IVF, and the first one fails? That's it. That's all we can do as far as building a family. It just doesn't seem fair, quite honestly. All of my friends and family members who are getting pregnant at the drop of a hat...they never have to think about this stuff. And I hate sounding like "why me?" but it's irritating and frustrating and it hurts. It really really bothers me that we could end up without children simply because we don't have the money to go through the treatments that could get us pregnant.

I know I'm borrowing trouble, that we haven't even tried IUI's yet, that they might work, etc. etc. etc. But still...I know that IUI's don't always work. I know that there are probably additional factors that they haven't teased out yet that are likely keeping me from getting pregnant. And I know that having to escalate our interventions is very, very likely. But the fact that money could stop us from having a family? That just makes me sick to my stomach.

And adoption...well, we couldn't afford adoption even if we wanted to go down that road. And I'm not sure we do. We haven't really talked about it other than as a last resort...but knowing how expensive it is, I'm not sure it's going to be possible, either.

And, one last note. This is a really whiny post, so I'll try to make the next one less whiny. Anyway, I have a feeling that my college roommate is pregnant again and not calling me because she doesn't want to upset me. Seriously. I haven't talked to her for over a month...and the last time we talked she made some comment about us "having kids about the same age" since they were starting to try again. What do you want to bet?? *sigh*

Okay, off to bake some cookies to get me out of this funk. And maybe eat lunch. Oh! the met*formin seems to be working at least a little bit - my sugars are overall lower than they were without medication. So that is good. I suspect they may bump up my dose - maybe include a lunchtime dose? - when I check in with them at the end of the month.

Resolving

Well, it's a good thing that I didn't resolve to procrastinate less in 2009...Have been sitting at my computer for about 2 hours now, and haven't progressed much beyond dinking on blogs and news websites. And the occasional Facebook status update because, you know, it's changed so much in the last 2 hours. :P

My brother has to have his tonsils out on Tuesday - at age 34 - and I am ridiculously nervous about the whole thing. I know people - adults, even - have this surgery every day, but I worry that he will be the one to have complications, and problems. Part of it is that I won't be able to be there and see him in person. I'll have to rely on my mother and sister in law for updates. My mom is pretty reliable about that sort of thing - she knows when he is just being whiny and when he's really hurting - but my sister in law is...not. We're all hoping that he's sick less often, though - he gets every sore throat that comes down the pike, it seems.

We had a nice new year - spent the first part of Weds evening at a friend's house (or should it be "at friends' house"...no, that's not right...well, whatever). They're hilariously fun people and it's always good to see them. They had bbq and veggies and chips and salsa and dip. Mmm...all good things. They also have a hilariously funny dog who is constantly into everything. She's at the opposite end of the spectrum from our dog, who is happiest when curled up under his blankie, napping. Yesterday we spent most of the day relaxing and just hanging out. We took Mr. Dog on a walk around the block - windy but not too cold, which made for nice walking - and ate snacky food. Mmmm...

Tuesday I had my follow up with the endocrinologist. He put me on Met*formin 500 mg twice a day - to see if that will reset my "set point" for my blood sugars. They're bizarrely constant, no matter what time I take them. Almost always in the high 120's/low 130's. So we'll see...I can't find any information on whether I should be seeing a difference by now (3 days in) or whether I need to give it a couple more days for full effect.

Also, just to whine a bit more, I think I need to go see a PT for my left glute. It's hurt since the marathon and that was in May. It was feeling better but now, not so much. I'm usually aware of it - even if I'm just sitting on it - and it hurts when I go up and down stairs, walk through the house, etc. Oddly, I don't notice it when I am actually running. Hm. That's strange - I hadn't realized that before. Of course, I don't know whether I need a referral or if I can just go to the big clinic in town...I guess I should just suck it up and call them. Nothing like using the good health insurance I've been provided with for this post doc.

Okay, time to do something more productive.

Aftermath

What a nice Christmas we had this year...broken up nicely by my parents' visit and then a quick trip to N's parents' house a few hours north of here. We were home Friday afternoon so N could play in a wedding on Saturday (rehearsal was Friday pm), which meant that we had a lovely, no-stress, calm weekend at home with the dog. It was so nice just to spend time together over a long weekend.

Of course, today it's back to work. I'm trying to finish up some projects related to my dissertation. Finding it hard going sometimes...working on book chapter revisions but getting bogged down in editing what others have written. Need to submit abstracts for two meetings that are due in early January. And then there's the rest of our lives...endo follow up for me tomorrow...whole-house humidifier getting installed Weds...infertility follow up 1/12...

My incisions aren't healing as well as I would like. I guess it's time to bust out the antibiotic ointment, to see if that helps at all. I've also gotten frustrated trying to figure out why what we are doing isn't working. I was actually kind of happy with the hydrosalpinx diagnosis, because that helped explain why I wasn't getting pregnant. But without that, we're back to a questionable semen analysis and (I suppose) unexplained infertility.

That's something I think I will ask more about at the next appointment. I want more information on the semen analysis - it was kind of an afterthought at the initial appointment. And I want to know what they saw when they did my surgery. I have had weird cramps after sex the last few days (woo hoo, the 2 week ban was lifted!) and not sure what those are all about. I guess I just feel like hey, did they miss something? Becuase some mildly questionable sperm don't seem like they would be causing this much trouble. And if we go with IUI's...well...should we do the medicated ones? Unmedicated? Argh...

Coming 'round the mountain...

My parents just left after what I think was a very nice four-day visit. They came in for my graduation - for my PhD that I defended successfully in September. It was so nice to have them here! They are fairly...anxious...travelers, so the fact that we are having lovely winter weather here in flyover country was enough to send them into a tizzy. But they knew they would see us, and meet their grand-dog, and also meet our friends. So I am pretty sure they were excited to be here.

And we had a lovely visit. They arrived on Thursday afternoon, pretty much on-time, considering the weather and the fact that they had to fly through the dreaded ORD. I picked them up (N was working) and we headed to Target to pick up a few things for the party on Friday...paper plates/napkins and plasticware. We also picked up a timer for my mom's friend and a g.c. for N for iTunes...he loooves his iTunes. It was weird being with my father in Target - I'm usually in those places with my mom only - but they were very helpful.

We had a lovely dinner Thursday night and then they spent some time looking around the house - my dad videotaped a 'tour' of it to show back home - and playing with the dog. We never had a dog growing up - and I wasn't sure whether they would enjoy meeting their grand-dog. But they did, and my mother even kissed him (on the head, you know, where you kiss dogs) before they left. So, whew. It helps that the dog is well-behaved and awfully cute.

Friday, the weather was awful awful awful. We had ice Thursday night, mixed with rain and snow. Bleah. Bleah. Bleah. So N went out to snowblow and hack at the ice, and put down some ice melt. It was a mess. And because I was still post op, I couldn't help. Ergh. So my parents - who are 60 and 64 - went out to help. Talk about feeling useless. Completely useless. They got the driveway pretty well cleaned up, then we took N to work and went to run a few errands around town. N called while we were picking up the cake - his parents weren't going to make it, they'd had a foot (a FOOT) of snow. Bummer bummer bummer. So, back we went to the grocery store to get a few more things to stand in for what his mother was going to bring. Bummer. My parents finished clearing the driveway and I went to get N mid-afternoon. Fortunately his work has this thing where if you are salaried and show up for at least part of the day, you don't have to use leave if you leave early/come in late. Since he gets less vacation time than anyone I know, this is a good thing.

Friday night was our open house/hey my parents are in town/oh, look! Annabelle's graduating party. It was lovely. A few people couldn't make it because of the weather, and one person never showed up, never called, and never emailed. But everyone else seemed to have a good time. It was fun to have my parents meet friends of ours that they had never met before, and it was really fun to have people over at our house. A couple of friends stayed pretty late, chatting with us and my parents.

And then Saturday was graduation! N wasn't feeling so hot - he'd had a cold for a few days - but he powered through and was feeling better when we finally got to the ceremony. There was a reception beforehand, that the Grad College hosted. It was very nice - my adviser was there and had her ear talked off by my mother. I am so, so glad that I went through the graduation. There is something about having that hood placed over your head that just brings it all home. My adviser did the hooding - they said all of my names right - and it was just one of those moments where everything seems right.

We came home to save the dog from the torture of the crate and get ready for dinner. It snowed most of the day and was bitter, bitter cold, so going out to dinner didn't seem like such a fab idea. Of course we went -reservations and Italian food, hello - but holy God was it cold walking from the parking ramp to the restaurant. We had yummy Italian food, a little too much wine (well, mom and I did - N and my dad were fine) - and then came home to have champagne and leftover cake. Mmmm....

And then Sunday they left. Oh, what an ordeal. 40 mph winds, ground blizzards, delayed flights, nearly missed connections, etc. etc. etc. And of course their bags didn't make it. But they did! I'll have to hear about how we are two plane flights away for the rest of my natural life, but that seems a small price to pay for having them here for a few days.

Life has calmed down a bit now. We are back from N's parents' house, where we spent Christmas Eve and Day. It was very very quiet without our niece and nephew around to raise the noise level to earsplitting...I took several naps...and the Dog got spoiled rotten by his paternal grandparents.

I couldn't help but think how nice it would have been to have a baby this Christmas. New house, new dog...new baby would have rounded it out nicely. And I kept thinking how last Christmas, I was hoping to be able to tell our parents that we were expecting a baby. No dice. And not this Christmas either. And now that they know I had surgery, they also know that we have a follow up appointment in January. And I really don't want to have them asking me about what we're doing, or when I might get pregnant, or really any of the details of this whole ordeal. I just wish that I could surprise them when I do get pregnant. Maybe they'll forget about the follow up appointment...maybe I just won't say anything and they won't bother to ask...but what I really DON'T want is to be sharing details of our IUI's with our parents. Call me petty and small and controlling, but...I just don't want to. So we'll see how that shapes up.

Follow up with the endocrinologist next week. I'm interested to see what he wants to do. I've been munching (in a restrained way, of course) on cookies and crackers and cheese and mmm....Christmas snacks...but my sugars haven't really budged. So, we'll see.

Boy, what a rambling, pointless post.

Bleah

I just want to say that I really, really hate feeling bleah. And I know this surgery was not a major event - really, it wasn't. But I intensely dislike the feeling of...not feeling 100%. Twinges in my tummy, dizziness, general fatigue...I have a feeling I would be a not-very-good sick person.

I also think I overdid it on Saturday when I was being more indulgent with the pain medication. Now that I'm not taking as much, I'm definitely feeling it more. But we have visitors coming this weekend, and a party on Friday night to get ready for, and I don't want to overload my husband, and... Yeah. I'll probably still have to lie down for a bit this afternoon. *sigh* Here's hoping I feel better soon. Even though I know this could be a whole lot worse.

Anticlimactic

So, had my surgery on Friday, and after all that, they found....nothing. Yep, nothing. Didn't have to remove a tube (or both tubes), didn't have to clean anything out. Because there was nothing there. And I was right at the start of my cycle, so they would have seen something if it had been there. Weird, very weird. They flushed out my tubes - told me they're a bit dilated but at the upper end of normal - and said that we can go ahead with IUI's instead of IVF.

I have to say, while I'm happy to have all of my parts, I'm still a bit baffled. If everything looks okay, is it really just the male factor stuff that's keeping us from getting pregnant? Are the IUI's going to work? We have a follow up appointment on 1/12, so we'll get to find out then. I am hoping they do medicated IUI's to up our chances of conceiving. They weren't going to before, but I would really prefer that. So we'll see what they say when we meet with them. Of course, 1 month = probably day 3 or so of my cycle. So I suspect that we'll have to do an unmedicated cycle for our first IUI and then add Clomid if they think that would be helpful.

I'm still having some pain and not feeling quite like myself - not sure exactly what it is. I have these weird periods where I feel completely awful - happened yesterday am and today, too. I wonder if it's the pain medicine? Percocet will do that to you, I suspect...So I'm going to try to take only the ibuprofen, and maybe the percocet for one more night.

More later, especially the details of Friday, but for now, a few more things that make me go hm...

• The v8 "weekly pack", which has 6 small cans of v8. Um. 6? That would be an almost-weekly pack, since there are, you know, 7 days in a week. At least, there were the last time I checked.
  
• Ads for special shows (home shows, furniture shows) that don't give the location of said show. N noticed this on Saturday, too - it was the local home show, advertising in the paper. No location. I think there was a date, though. Um, thanks for that.
  
• People who are published on widely read websites with egregious spelling and grammar errors. I know that blogs are generally "looser" than standard articles, but some copyediting would be okay. Right?
  

I need to try to get some work done today, although I don't plan on leaving the house to do so. It's about 2 degrees here...and that should be our high for the day. Snow tomorrow! And my parents come on Thursday. I need to find more blankets for the guest room...they are not used to weather this cold.

Things that make me go hm...

I should be cleaning the bathrooms, but it's icy here in flyover country and N is home from work (he couldn't even get out to the main road, so he's staying home). And so, a random list of things that have made me go "hm" recently...

• Stinky people at the gym...as in, people who let out toots in a room full of exercisers. I mean, I know, sometimes one slips out...but seriously? every day?
  
• Barefoot dude, also at the gym. It was +12 here the other morning, and he exited the gym in front of me. Shorts, t-shirt, bare feet. Walked to his car that way. Um, good for you?
  
• The grocery store on a Monday morning. No bags, no pepperoni, no soy cheese? I know Sundays are really busy, but maybe they could bring in extra staff on Sunday night to restock?? Instead, there they are restocking on Monday morning. Weird.
• The girl who was biting off her split ends on the bus last week. 'nuff said.
  
• My sleep patterns...last week I was exhausted, this week I am having trouble sleeping. Argh. I just want to sleep on a regular schedule and feel rested. That's all.
  
• Solved the case of the missing undies! They were apparently left in the washer, and showed up with this morning's sheet load. Thank goodness I'd washed them before - red undies + ivory sheets could = disaster.
  

I'm sure I'll think of more...but that's what I have off the top of my head. Off to clean at a more leisurely pace than is typical for me...no need to race out of the house and go somewhere!

Onward

I should really write about things other than our journey through infertility, although it is what is taking up most of the space in my brain these days. Really, I do other things! I interact with people! But I want to get this all out so I don't forget it...hopefully when we do have a baby of our own, I will be able to look back at all of this and remember what it took to get us there.

So, telling my parents was really hard. They didn't even know we had been trying, because honestly I think that is our business, not theirs. A few friends knew we were trying, which helped - I could talk about it with them - but I didn't want my parents all worked up when things weren't going right. So when they called the other week to chat - they do this about once a week, and they both get on the phone, which is both endearing and slightly irritating - I waited until a lull in the conversation and then jumped in with "So, I am going to have surgery on December 12th". Um, probably not the best way to bring it up, now that I think about it!

They, of course, had a ton of questions. Why, and for what, and why, and why, and why...I told them that we had been trying to get pregnant for over a year, and it wasn't working, so they want to make sure there isn't anything structural going on. I didn't tell them the specifics of the hydrosalpinx - that will just make them worry more. I did tell them that it will be an outpatient surgery, unless they have to open me up for some reason, and that I should be fine by the time they get here the next week for graduation. Mom wanted to know who was doing the surgery - had I met him? Was he good? I had to remind her that this is a huge academic medical center, and you get the surgeon of the day. I'm sure he's good, I just can't vet him myself. There was lots of sighing on their end, but in the end I answered all (or most) of their questions.

Telling N's parents was a bit anticlimactic - I wound up only telling his mother, since his father was in the basement (as per usual, it's a little strange there sometimes). And she didn't ask any questions at all, just offered to bring food to graduation and the party we are having the night before. So that was fine.

This is really stupid, but I keep thinking that I brought this on myself. I started reading infertility-related blogs last summer (as in, about when we started trying) when someone linked to Julia's blog in their own blog. And from there, I read blogs on her blogroll, and blogs on those people's blogrolls, and pretty soon I was reading all about the world of infertility. So, it's dumb, but I do wonder whether I brought this on myself.

I also worry about what they are going to find when they go in there...I mean, the endometriosis option is the only reasonable option. But...but...but...What if? What if it's cancer? Or a previously undetected infection? Or...I know I can't do anything about this now, and they are going to look in there, which is the best possible option, but...it still worries me.

Decisions

So...I waited for a bit (but not long) for the PA who had given me the bad news the day before. I'm not entirely sure how this clinic works as far as deciding who you see for any given appointment - it's an academic medical center, so usually it's a resident/medical student + an attending at each clinic appointment. But the PA was the one who took my appointment on Thursday. She came in and said that they weren't able to get a good look at whether I had a septum during the HSG - that the position of my uterus wasn't conducive to getting the views that the previous doc had requested. But ultrasound had an open room right then, and was I okay with having another one? I said yes, of course, because in my mind, more information is always better. She asked how I was after the procedure the day before and I told her I was still having twinging pains, mostly on the left. She thought that was weird, since the hydrosalpinx is on the right. I told her it wasn't enough that I needed to take anything for it - but I definitely noticed it.

We went up to the front desk so the administrative person could put the request for the u/s in. The PA went back to the u/s room to let the tech know we were coming back - then they both came to the front desk and told the admin not to bother, they were just going to squeeze me in and not charge me for it (very nice!). We went back to the room, and I did the usual empty-the-bladder, take-off-the-pants, replace-with-this-sheet dance. Of course, I always wrap myself up like a burrito, and then they have to partially unwrap me to get the scan. Whoops.

She started scanning, and said that she couldn't see the hydrosalpinx on the right. Great, but it was definitely visible on the HSG the day before. Then she said something like "Whoa, I've never seen THAT before!" Um, okay. Not what you want to hear when someone is looking at your baby making parts with an ultrasound wand! She had the PA come around the end of the table, and she said the same thing. Apparently I have a very anterior cervix, but a very posterior uterus. Which is why the HSG hurt so much - they were trying to yank my uterus so that it flipped forward, so they could get a better shot of it on the x-ray. No dice - my uterus refused to move. So that, plus the pain of the dye going through the hydrosalpinx, was why the HSG hurt so, so, much.

The tech asked the PA to get the other tech, who had done my initial ultrasound (the one where they debated fibroids vs. septum vs. arcuate uterus) to "come and see this". So I had three people staring at the pictures of my apparently oddly placed and shaped uterus. She did, finally, get a view of the septum, and they decided that it was just a bit of a dent in the wall. It measured at less than 1 cm, which is the cut off for having to do something about it.

After that, we went back to the exam room, and the PA pulled up the HSG pictures on the computer. I was curious as to whether the hydrosalpinx was really on the right, since I was having so much pain on the left. Sure enough, it was -they had labeled it wrong during the scan, but it was definitely my right side. She showed it to me again, and then said that they typically recommend laparascopic surgery to examine the diseased tube, and likely take it ou, and also to take a look at the other tube, in case it is also diseased. She said that they think I probably have endometriosis. I think that's very strange - not impossible, but strange - because I have friends with endometriosis and my cycles and cramps were never as bad as theirs. My college roommate had it bad enough that she had two surgeries, one just after high school and one while we were in college. I gave her Lupron shots to try to keep the growth down during the year that she had surgery. Me? I never had cramps that were that bad that I had to skip school, or that made me sick. Sure, I have to take anti-inflammatories around the clock on the first day of my period, but that didn't seem that unusual to me. I did pass out from cramps when I was in high school- that was fun - but overall? It is really strange to me that this would be bad enough to cause this much tubal disease, but that I wouldn't have that much pain. Hm.

I talked with the PA about what I had read -about how the diseased tube can cause problems for pregnancy, and how I wanted to know as much as possible about what was going on. She said that this would allow them to remove that tube, and maybe the other one if it, too, was diseased. If that happens, we would definitely have to move on to IVF if I were ever to get pregnant. If they left the other tube in, then we could do monitored IUIs with ultrasound - to make sure I am ovulating on the correct side. But most likely we're looking at IVF. Not a place that I really wanted to go - what if I get pregnant with twins? What will that do to my career plans? And N's career plans? One baby is what we had agreed on - we both thought that one child would fit in well with the life we had planned for ourselves. But since we won't be able to get pregnant without help, well...I guess we have to reconsider all of this. We haven't made a decision about IVF yet - we want more information - but it does look like that is what we will be doing.

So we talked about the surgery - the risks, the benefits - and I told her that I thought it was a reasonable next step. Particularly since removing the tube would presumably help me to carry a pregnancy to term - that was one of the major arguments in favor of the surgery. She told me that their clinic numbers indicate that younger women (< 35) with hydrosalpinx who do not have the tube removed have a lower rate of successful pregnancy even with IVF. The numbers come close to those women without tube disease if the tube is removed. So. I made the decision that surgery was the next best step. I felt kind of bad that I didn't directly consult N about this, but we had talked about it the night before, and I had told him that I thought that would be a good step before trying anything else as far as conception goes.

So, the PA sent the nurse in to do the pre-op education. Hilarious, since I used to work in the recovery room. It's the usual stuff. Oh, we scheduled it for 12/12, which is a Friday, a week before my parents and in-laws are coming to town for my graduation. They will try to do the surgery laparascopically, but they might have to open me up if there is endometrium/disease that they cannot access through the surgical openings. I will definitely be up and around by the next week - so that is why I chose to go ahead before graduation. Even if I have to stay in the hospital over the weekend (which I really, really hope doesn't happen). So anyway - preop education was fine, the nurse was nice and didn't make me watch the video (seriously? a video? I think I have it down, thanks...). They have to do a computer-based questionnaire to evaluate your risk for anesthesia - I came in at low risk, despite the diabetes. Woo hoo. So I don't need to have a pre-op appointment in anesthesia clinic, just a phone call the day before surgery and then a day-of check in with the anesthetist.

The person doing my surgery is the head of the Infertility clinic and a gyn surgeon. So, not a bad person to be doing this! And the resident on that day is a third year. So, whew. I'd rather have someone who must have a bit of a clue by now. ;)

The PA came back in to do a physical and everything checked out fine. She couldn't feel anything - the hydrosalpinx, etc - on bimanual exam, which is why no one ever thought that something might be wrong. It has occurred to me since this appointment that the fact that I was on birth control pills for so long (7+ years) might also have limited the cramps and pain that I have each month - even on the pill, I needed to take anti-inflammatories round the clock on the first day of my period, or I was completely miserable.

So I am set for surgery - the appointment took forever, I don't think I left until almost 1 pm. They talked to the billing office - the surgery will be covered under my new insurance's infertility coverage. It should be about $7000, which isn't too bad. That still leaves enough that we could get in an IVF or two if we choose to go that route. I do have to call Monday -the first day of my new insurance - to see if I need to get preapproval/clearance for the surgery. She put it in as a diagnostic laparoscopy, with dysmenorrhea. We'll see - I'm sure there will be a co-pay, but as long as they cover the majority of it, that will be good. And, I get paid again starting Monday, so that is even better. We're cutting our spending a bit close since I haven't been paid in 2 months. Whew.

More in the next post re: telling the parents (NOT fun, since they didn't even know we were trying!), etc.

Complications

So...I know I wanted to have the HSG last week, and I was so thankful to have an appointment on Wednesday despite the REI clinic's initial dearth of open spots. I hoped that everything would be clear and easy, and that we would move on to do IUI's this week (assuming that N and I would be in the same place at the right time, what with Thanksgiving and him needing to travel this week...).

But then Wednesday came, and the procedure, and the outcome was not at all what I thought it was going to be. I got there on time, and got my directions to diagnostic radiology without incident. I was even taken back within a reasonable period of time, once I walked a mile or so and got to radiology. Of course, I had to put on a lovely gown with a housecoat over it (and no undies...joy...). And then I had to wait for them to come get me for the procedure. Fortunately I was by myself in the waiting room, but for the VERY LOUD television blaring some weirdo soap opera at top volume. (Side note: Why do I never feel like I can change the tv's in waiting rooms or at the gym? Seriously. I never do it - unless someone asks me for help. Like this morning, two of the gym tv's had audible volume, but nothing that was annoying. But then this guy came in and turned both of them down and turned on another tv to another channel. I would never do that - what if someone were watching? Or listening? But in this waiting room, it was just me. Anyway...)

They called me back about 20 minutes late, but I still had plenty of time before my next appointment (for the irritating vibration in my ear, whole 'nother story). Two very nice radiology techs, who got me situated on the very hard table, which had a lovely disposable chux pad on it (that never makes me feel very comfortable... it implies that they think there will be fluid leakage from...down there). They took their preliminary pictures, and then the OB folks came in. There was a resident who would be performing the procedure, and the PA who is in charge of these sorts of things. The resident got himself situated at the end of the table, and I got to scoot down and put my feet on these weird knob things. Fortunately, someone gave me a sheet to actually cover myself, since, you know, my feet were on the knobs, and my knees were up, and well...let's just say that I didn't want to be sharing that with everyone.

The resident got all of the equipment - speculum, catheter, etc. etc. - situated, and then they brought in the radiologists to take the pictures. Nothing like a big group of people in the room while I'm laying there with my knees spread. :P I guess that's what I get for going to a big academic medical center.

The resident injected the first round of iodine, and oh-my-god...I thought I was going to die from the pain. Which made me think that something was going on, since everything I had read indicated that I shouldn't have pain unless, well, there was something wrong with at least one of my tubes. Before I knew it, I was crying from the pain and trying to just breathe to get through it. Thank goodness for the radiology techs -they didn't need to be doing anything, with the radiologists there, so they were tasked with holding my hand and wiping my tears. It was awful. I don't know that I've had pain that bad before. At least not in that area of my body - I mean, I've hurt leg muscles, and my knees, etc. before, but this was beyond anything that I'd felt before. They had me turn one way, then the other. Then they decided that they hadn't gotten really good views the first way, so I swear it felt like the resident was trying to pull my uterus out through my you-know-what. It was awful - absolutely awful. Finally, finally, they were finished. The radiologists left, the resident cleaned up, and I had to turn on my stomach for one last picture (not sure what that was for, but whatever...).

Then the PA came back in to talk about what they found. I have a hydrosalpinx on the right side - a bad one, apparently - and with no apparent risk factors. A hydrosalpinx is when there is an infection or other scarring in the fallopian tube, which leads to an outpouching of the tube, and fluid or debris collects in there. Basically, that tube is shot. And typically, this is not a unilateral thing. Having this on one side means that there is likely tubal disease on the other side - even though the iodine did not show that on the HSG. So the PA went through all of this with me - and talked about how we could still do IUI's this cycle, maybe with Clomid next cycle to get me to have more than one follicle, etc. She also talked about how we could move on to IVF now that we knew I had "tubal disease" (that's what she kept calling it) and that we would have to decide about that. She talked about my apparent lack of risk factors for the hydrosalpinx (never had a pelvic infection, or STD, or pelvic surgery) and their difficulty figuring out what actually caused this problem. She also talked about the potential for infection now that they had done the HSG - and said that I would have to take 3 days of antibiotics, just in case. If she said anything more, I don't remember it. I just remember her telling me that I had one bad tube, and probably 2, and that we would have to think hard about whether we should move on to IVF instead of the IUI's. She did say at some point that I should think about making a clinic appointment, since this was a lot of information to cover, particularly after the procedure.

I just wanted to get out of there. It hurt - still - and I knew I was going to be in pain and crampy for a while. And I knew that our path to having a baby was now getting more complicated and difficult - this wasn't as simple as some sperm that couldn't find their way, or were too poky in trying to get where they needed to be.

I got cleaned up - iodine! joy! -a nd went to my other appointment. Small favors - I apparently have the hearing of a 12 year old, and they had no explanation for the annoying vibration. None. So, whatever - I'll deal with it later.

N met me at home - we had dinner plans with friends - and I just said that I wanted to talk about it later, not before we went to dinner. I felt like I had been crying all week at that point...Monday with the appointment problems, Tuesday anticipating the appointment, Wednesday with the painful, awful procedure and the aftermath...etc.

Once we did talk about it, we decided that I should make a clinic appointment to talk through the different options. Neither of us wanted to pursue IUI's if there was little to no chance of them working. And having ultrasounds before each IUI to see if I was ovulating on the "right" side (actually my left side) could get very $$$ very quickly. So I called Thurs morning to make an appointment - and was shocked when the woman said they could get me in at 10:30, or how about 11? I was astonished - for a first appointment, it was a month wait!

I took the 11 am appointment, and did some reading online. It turns out that hydrosalpinx (or hydrosapinges, if you have more than one) can actually interfere with the success of pregnancies. Even if you have IVF, the fluid from the hydrosalpinx can flow back towards the uterus and make the environment for an embryo very hostile. So many of the websites that I read through on Weds night and Thurs morning said that the best course of action was to remove the bad tube...and the other tube if it was also diseased.

When I got to clinic, they again took me back right on time. I have to say, that is one of the lovely things about this clinic. I have rarely waited for more than 5 minutes in the big waiting room for someone. I've waited longer in the exam rooms, but still - to get people out of the waiting room that quickly is really good.

Okay, I'm going to continue this in a separate post, since I need a break.

Whew.

Depths

I was hoping that this blog wasn't going to be all about our journey to have children, but those issues are the ones that are taking up space in my mind and heart these days. I'm very frustrated right now - and even though I know no one will likely read this, except for me, I'm going to use this space to try to work through some of what I am feeling. Plus, if we ever get lucky enough to have a child, I don't want to forget what we went through to get to that point.

Anyway, last cycle I wasn't able to have an HSG because I ovulated too early - day 8, if you can believe that. And they don't want to risk a potential pregnancy, even though the chances of us getting pregnant on our own are slim to none. And after talking about it with N, we didn't want to risk it either. What if this was the month? So I scheduled the HSG for next Weds (the day before Thanksgiving) after talking with the REI nurse, with the thought that I would get my period tomorrow, then the HSG would be on day 7, and all would be good. Oh, and we could try for an IUI, too, since I would not have ovulated before the HSG.

Except that I got my period yesterday, Sunday, making my last cycle 21 days. 21 days! Up until now, the shortest one has been 24 days. So I was upset yesterday because the timing is completely crappy...I would have to try to get an HSG this week, because what if I ovulate early again on this cycle? And N has to be out of town next Tues, and Thurs we're going to his parents' for Thanksgiving. So I was upset yesterday about that - he's going out of town because of this possible new job - but that means that we might miss doing an IUI on this cycle. I calmed down, though, once I realized that there was nothing I could do about it - and that N was willing to play with our schedule next week to make it so that we would be here Weds morning and Fri morning, meaning we only miss 2 days for the possible IUI.

But then, this morning, I called REI to ask to speak to a nurse, to try to get my HSG rescheduled for this week. And the person who answered the phone took all the info and then said she would look to see if there were any openings this week...and...there weren't. And I completely, completely lost it. Blubbering on the phone. Telling her that this happened last time, and that I didn't want to miss two cycles trying to get this done, etc. etc. etc. She was very nice on the phone, and didn't freak out on me, but she also can't override the schedule. The HSG's are done by residents at this hospital, so they require coordination between the medical and the radiology folks. She suggested I call the other hospital in town to see if they could get me in. So I had a nice big temper tantrum in the car. Crying, screaming, swearing at god, you name it. I was as upset and angry as I have been during this entire process. I got home - the poor dog, he was so confused. Why is she coming back from the grocery store sobbing? Spent some more time sobbing into a paper towel while I unpacked the groceries. Called hospital #2 and found out that they can't just do this for me - they need to have my doctor at my hospital refer me to an OB at their hospital to get it done. So that's not going to happen - at least not in time for me to get the procedure scheduled at their facility. Called my REI clinic back and got the same woman - she apologized, and told me she didn't realize that they couldn't just do it with an order from my doctor. She said she would have someone call me.

Then I called N and blubbered into the phone some more. This completely and totally sucks - there is no other word for it. I feel like I am being penalized because I have short cycles. They will schedule ahead for this - at least, they will now, with me - but can't they leave a slot open each week just in case??? Or have the option of adding slots if necessary? I really hate the thought that we might miss out on this cycle, too! That gets us to December - 1/3 of the way through the year (I count the years starting with my birthday - and I would really like to be pregnant before my next birthday - so August --> December = 4 months, 1/3 of the year). And NOTHING to show for it except for a bunch of clinic appointments and canceled appointments. I am really, really, really ticked off about this. And what is up with the 21 day cycle?? That has NEVER happened to me before - and makes me think that there might be something else going on that they have not figured out.

So I am teary, and tired, and really really really sick of all of this. And it's hardly begun! We haven't even had the chance to do an IUI yet, because I can't get this procedure done! I'm headachy, and just want to lie on the couch and feel sorry for myself. But I can't because, well, that's not the way I am. *sigh* N says it's okay to be upset - and then he apologized for having "slow swimmers". It's not HIS fault - I know he's just trying to make me feel better, but...I feel like this is all on me. And I'm being thwarted at every turn.

Time for some more tea. And maybe some Tylenol. I have a pounding headache...

Update (4 pm):
The nurse from the clinic (Lois, not Lori...I hate it when I remember people's names wrong...) called me and said that they could fit me in this Wednesday at 1:30 pm. So that is good - I'm not sure whether it's because I blubbered like an idiot this morning, or because they felt sorry for me. I'm just happy we don't have to wait another month. The woman this morning was sympathetic - but I suspect that she doesn't have the authority to squeeze or alter the schedule. Anyway...

Then the dog made me laugh - I was washing his blankets and towels with my running stuff (in the special non-stinky detergent) and he was at loose ends (he loooves his blankie). So when I took a work break, I went to look for him. I found him, up in the family room, on the couch. In his usual spot. And he had pulled my fleece blanket that I use at night down onto the couch with him, and was cuddled up with it. His ears were even cold! Poor baby. I took a few pictures and then brought him downstairs and gave him his warm-from-the-dryer towel.

Gotta get better at this...

I'm not used to this blogging/journaling thing...so not a lot of regular posts from me. Hm. Anyway, I'll try to do better with that. I usually have several things bumping around in my head, it's just that I forget that I have a place to dump them now. :)

On the medical front, I had kind of an up and down week. I had a procedure scheduled for Wednesday, during which they were going to shoot dye up into my uterus and then take x-rays. Fun! But it had to be scheduled during a particular part of my schedule (post-bleeding, pre-ovulation, if you want the details). I told them when I called (on CD1) that I have short cycles so coming in on day 4 would probably be best, instead of waiting til CD11. They disagreed. So I scheduled for CD11, knowing that it might backfire. And it did. I ovulated on CD10. And then they didn't want to do the procedure because there was a slight (very slight) chance that I could be pregnant. I mean, so slight as to be almost hilariously nonexistent. *sigh* The doc was actually willing to chance it, but I wasn't. After some thought and consultation with N, we decided to wait another cycle. I was kind of ticked, too, because we could have done an IUI this cycle, but because no one called me back the evening that I got the + ovulation predictor response, it was too late by the time I talked to the nurse the next day. Argh argh argh. On the (semi-) plus side, I faxed my blood sugars in to the diabetes nurse educator, and we're still holding off on meds. I'm sure they'll want to start them eventually, but they want to just monitor for another 3 or so weeks. I find it kind of interesting, the patterns that my body has. And I'm kind of intrigued by the fact that my sugars don't seem to be that related to what I eat. Huh. Anyway...So that was the week in medical news. I will have the rescheduled HSG, assuming all goes normally with this cycle, on November 26th. The day before Thanksgiving. The day we have to head up to my in-laws for Thanksgiving. I hope I'm not too crampy, because that would really suck.

There have been a lot of other things to think about this week. N had been contacted by the head of another company in his field. The guy is thinking about starting a new branch, basically, that would be on the other side of the business from where N has worked for the past 10 or so years. He wanted to talk to N about coming on board and working on this new project. So they met yesterday at a mutually-agreed-upon Starbucks. N found out that not only would he be coming on board with a new project...he would essentially be running it. As in, responsible for the whole shebang. And, it would involve him being away from home for 4 nights a week for the foreseeable future. Which could throw a major crimp into our plans to start a family. And would mean that I'm all alone the majority of the time in our wonderful new house in our fantastic new community. But on the other hand...he is not being challenged at his current job, and they are not using the skills and talents that he has...not to mention the knowledge he gained from our time out east...in the best way. This would be a great step forward for him, professionally. It's just...how does it fit into our lives? What can we do to make this work, if this is what he wants? And what happens when I finish my post doc? We have a LOT of things to think about...I keep thinking that it would have been sooo much better if this had come up even 6 months ago - when we were trying to decide where to go and what to do when I finished the dissertation. But it didn't - it came up now and we're going to have to make the best decision for us as a family. Who knows what that will be, either?!?!?

Speaking of family...the biggest change in the last week has been the arrival of Simon. Simon is a 3 year old beagle we adopted from the humane society on Tues. We saw his picture late last week, and visited him on Saturday. He was probably abused in his previous life, poor baby, and so he's not quite adjusted to being in a home where no one wants to hurt him, etc. He has a decent amount of energy - on walks, for example - but when we are home, he mostly lays on his bed and watches me do things. He was not crate-trained before, so that is causing a few hurdles. But for the most part, he is a fantastic and loving little dog who just wants to be with his people. We love having him around - me especially, particularly when N is out of town.

And N is out of town tonight and tomorrow. A band he plays with has a gig in the next state over, and he won't be back until midday on Sunday. I will miss him....but I have a feeling I'll muddle through just fine. There is a lot of college football tomorrow, :>, and I have Simon to keep me company. I made my favorite favorite dinner last night - and so I have leftovers to eat all weekend. :) So that is good.

I'm going to try to write more frequently so I can get the thoughts in my head out on paper...or on screen..with more regularity.

And now, it's 5 pm on a Friday, my husband is out of town, and I have a bottle of wine that is calling my name. ;) Wine has very little in the way of carbs, did you know? Just have to watch the calories...

Woo hoo! Non medical stuff...well, mostly.

While the whole trying-to-get-pregnant/do-I-have-diabetes thing has been consuming a lot of time and energy, there ARE other things going on in our lives.

Chief among them is that my husband and I are now in the same geographic location. For a while there, we weren't. We were more like nomads - moving around the country until we could find our home. Finally, we did.

A little history... I used to be a travel nurse. Before that, I was pretty well-settled (well, except for moving nearly every year in college). But with travel nursing, you move every three or so months. So after I finished with the traveling and got a job with the federal government, I had to list all of my addresses for the past 10 years. I had 12 residences. Now, that included my parents' house a couple of times (you had to account for every...single...place that you lived, whether it was for 4 weeks or 40...), but really? 12 residences?

And then I moved out to flyover country to start grad school...bought a condo, settled in, met my future husband...we were really happy. And I had a permanent address for the first time in a long time. But then...life intervened again. I got a fellowship that required that I (at least) relocate for the time it would take me to complete my dissertation. For a while, we tried the long distance thing. Me in the DC area, my husband in flyover land. That lasted about...8 months, I think. Then we just couldn't take it anymore. We were getting married in about 6 months, we were tired of being apart, and quite frankly....living 1000 miles apart is not a good way to work on building a life together! So he moved out to DC for me...requiring lots of sacrifice on his part.

We were out there (together) for two and a half years. It was wonderful to be together...but so, so hard to be in a place that we knew wasn't for us. That was probably the hardest part of those few years. Yeah, the dissertation wasn't the easiest thing in the world, and I hit what seemed to be a lot of roadblocks. But living in a place where you are not happy? Not something I would wish on anyone. I know that different things make different people happy....let's just say that we are NOT city people, and we are not really East coast people. Even though I grew up there, and my parents and brother still live there...I definitely identify as a midwesterner now.

ANYway, I digress again. So last spring, we decided where we wanted to live after (yay!!!) I finished the dissertation. We decided to return to flyover land, to the same town where we lived before, and for me to return to the same university where I will -shortly - be receiving my degree. It was definitely the right decision for us, as far as living situations go. We bought a house - a real house! with its own walls! and a yard! and garage! (boy, do we feel grown-up). And my husband got a job with his old company....although it's not nearly as challenging as he would like. And we settled in. Except for the minor fact that, well, I had to be back East for a few months, finishing things up. And the person I was working with was, let's just say, not being very flexible about the fact that my LIFE was in flyover land, while I was stuck in DC. Not. Very. Fun. At all.

We made it through - although I was very, very happy to see DC in my rearview mirror. And now I've been out here full time for a month. And I have to say, I don't know if I have ever been happier than in the last month.

It's not that I don't have demands on my time - I do. I'm working on publications and getting ready to start my post doc and seeing friends who I haven't seen for a long time. But I'm also getting to do the things that I never seemed to have time for when we lived out east...cooking dinner! baking! laundry and cleaning - during the week! I feel like I am more relaxed and happy, and I hope that is spilling over into our home life.

I also feel kind of like a 50's housewife, to be honest. I'm taking care of everything at home because well, honestly, I'm not working right now and my husband is. And even when I AM back at it and working hard, I am never (please, please) going to have the type of commute or working life that I had while we were out East. I love being able to cook dinner almost every night. I love trying out new things. I love that the house is clean, and the laundry is washed, and I'm not running around trying to get everything done on a weekend.

Life is good. It's really, really good - even though we haven't yet covered our master bedroom window. Well, hm. See, they're just now building the house on that side. And so no one has been able to see anything...and, well. Let's just say we can both be remarkably indecisive about these sorts of things.

But life is good - we are spending time together, and eating dinner together (at the TABLE!) most nights. And so despite all of the medical crap, things are pretty darn good right now. It helps me to realize that we are going to get through this, no matter what, and we are going to come out the other side.

Next time...more on life as we know it now, and my husband's job issues.

In progress...

Not the post...although it may take a little bit to get this one up. More that I feel like our lives are "in progress" right now.

Let's see...Where was I. I don't think that I had had my appointment with regular endocrinology. Oh! And I was dealing with the problematic phrase in the final-final version of my dissertation.

Not to harp on that - but I was told I could bring in the changed pages and switch them out. Then, when I got there, I found out that no, really, they typically don't let students do this. I got yelled at, which was really difficult. I haven't been yelled at like that in a long time. Long story short, they let me switch out the pages because I was "misinformed". Why not just call me back and tell me no? Or make the policy a one-at-a-time policy? It seems like this is one time when a blanket policy might not be the best way to go. Whatever, it's over. My adviser told me to forget about it - that I am DONE with this phase of my life. Wahoo!

So, on to endocrinology. We had a fabulous weekend at home, and I have to admit I splurged a bit on the carbs, since I had a feeling I would be getting the carb-counting plan on Tuesday. I arrived just in time for my appointment (I try to take the bus whenever possible) and was taken back right away. Whew. They try to be pretty good with that in this facility, which I appreciate. Weight, vitals, etc. Weight is so frustrating for me - I am more active than I ever was in college, and yet I weigh 15 pounds more than I did at my heaviest during college! It is very frustrating. I'm sure that some of it is muscle but all of it can't be. Anyway...

I saw the resident, who took a nice, detailed family and medical history. They're hilariously amazed that I have no health problems. Well, allergies. But really? Not much going on. No symptoms, no issues, no nothing. So it's kind of fun to go through that with people. Of course, the family history was the issue this time. She listened, she took notes...I was happy that she was assigned to me for that clinic day. She then went and talked to her attending, and then they came back in with the diabetes educator (certified nurse) to talk about what to do. They decided that, at this point, they wanted me to monitor my blood sugars for a few weeks. I am right on the cusp of diabetes - but not quite there yet. He referred to the cutoff in the bloodwork as "arbitrary", which is true. Yes, I've been >125 on two successive blood draws, but why is 125 the cutoff and not 130? Anyway...

In a couple of weeks I will have a phone appointment with the diabetes nurse educator to review my sugars. I'm sure that, at that point, they will prescribe some kind of oral medication for me. And then we'll see what that does. He did say that I will most likely have to be on insulin when I am pregnant - but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

After some additional blood work (it's an academic medical center, they looove bloodwork), I met with the dietitian. I am doing a lot of things right - but I have to admit that I was not being careful about sweets and carbs for most of the past year. She gave me a nice list of what I should aim for during each day. Apparently consistency is key. At least it's pretty easy, now that I am eating many of my meals at home! And for those that I do not eat at home, I can easily pack my lunch.

I'm going to wrap this post up and write another one with other stuff...

Next steps

So...Picking up where I left off before. We were getting ready to find out if there was an actual reason (or two) why I have not gotten pregnant in the last 14 months.

My husband - N - had a semen analysis on September 30th. Lucky him! I wasn't here - I was traveling and was coming home the next day. Fortunately, we are blessed with a local academic medical center - where everything can be taken care of in one location. So he went in and completed his "deposit".

We picked up the results the next Friday - 3 days before I had my reproductive endocrinology appointment. Unfortunately, neither of us knows much about semen analysis. All we knew was that some of the numbers looked "off" and that it wasn't reading like a normal analysis. But, of course, we didn't know what was wrong and whether it was fixable. So I know I worried about it all weekend - we were off visiting N's parents. I don't know whether he did, but I'm sure it was in his thoughts.

I took the results with me on Monday when I went to the clinic for what turned out to be a very long initial appointment. First with the nurse, then the medical student, then the attending, then another nurse...

Anyway, apparently the diabetes on my side is NOT the reason we are not getting pregnant. Which is good - because I just couldn't figure out how that would be causing all of the problems. Instead, it looks as though we have some "male factor" issues related to motility (mainly) that could be causing our problems.

I have an appointment with regular endocrinology next Tuesday, and I fully expect them to say that I need to treat this like diabetes, even though my numbers are completely borderline. I have an appointment with the nutritionist after the endo appointment - and I'm sure that there I will learn that I have to cut back on my beloved bread, cookies, and ice cream. *sigh* Not that I was eating THAT well while working on the dissertation, but it's always whole grains, and, well..*sigh* I do love my carbs. But I'll get over it in the interest of living a little longer.

Anyway, the reproductive endocrinology people were remarkably straightforward about our next steps. I have to have a hysterosalpingogram on my next cycle, and on that same cycle (assuming all is well) we are going to start unmedicated IUI's. They said that I don't seem to have any problems ovulating and since sperm motility may be an issue, halving the distance to the egg might just work for us. Of course, if it doesn't, then we have to revisit the issue, but if it does, yay!

The whole HSG thing is because a) they only did an ultrasound about a month ago, and it doesn't show you anything about the fallopian tubes, and b) I might have a septate uterus. Weird, eh? I never thought there was anything structurally 'off' about me, but that just goes to show that you can't know anything from just the outside. ;)

So we'll see - I am happy about this course of action. Of course, they want the DM to be controlled, and it will be (I hope) with medication and careful monitoring. But I'm also happy that they have options for us here. AND, even better! I am still on my old insurance so I am not reducing the amount available on my soon-to-be-new insurance for infertility. So that is good. No, that is GREAT.

In other news, I have to call the grad college tomorrow. I forgot to take a phrase out of my dissertation in 3 places and I need to see if I can reprint 4 pages and bring them in tomorrow. *sigh* Such a doofus, I am. And I waited and waited today for my adviser to email me, but she was away for a few days. So, *sigh*. Dumb me. Hopefully the grad college will be in a forgiving mood (especially since it is not anything substantive...).

The First Post

The first post...I'm not even sure that anyone will ever read this, other than me. But I've kept a journal for a long time (not so much in the past 4 years...) and this seems like the logical next step. I (and my husband) are really at a fork in the road, and I want to be able to look back at what we are going through now, through the lens of where we will be.

I've finally finished a long graduate program that took a lot of mental, physical, and emotional energy. I'm so grateful to have come out the other side - still believing in what I study, still enjoying the thought of what I will do with my life - but finally, with the time to really live my life, to really think about things, and not to just get from one hurdle (or flaming hoop, take your pick) to another.

I'm technically unemployed for the next month...will be starting a post-doc at Big State University on November 3rd. I can't wait for the next phase in my career, but it is complicated by things we are going through in the rest of our lives.

For starters, it seems as though I have not dodged the bullet of diabetes in my family. Earlier this week I learned that my bloodwork on the 2nd go-round was still abnormal, that I would need to see an endocrinologist, and that in all likelihood I now face a life of blood sugar checks, eating fewer carbs (which makes me sad...I love pasta and cookies and crackers and, well, all the things that are not good for you in excess when you are diabetic...), and "lifestyle modification". It kind of ticks me off, honestly, because if you were to look at me (and my brother, and my mother) you would probably not pick us out of the crowd as the diabetics. We make good choices - whole wheat/whole grain flours, exercise 5-6 days/week, healthy fats, etc. etc. etc. And yet we are all now living with this. Well, I assume I will be, once I see the endocrinologist in a few weeks. I'm already frustrated - and I haven't even started the hard part yet!

For me, this carries extra weight (hah...) because my husband and I have been trying to have our first child for more than a year now. And we don't know why we haven't been successful. We don't know whether the diabetes is to blame (although it can't be THAT bad - my bloodwork wasn't that far out of the range of normal...), or whether there are other issues. The thing that has me worked up is that they won't start anything, infertility-wise, until the diabetes is "under control". My family members who have diabetes, however, have a notoriously difficult time getting their blood sugars under control...even when they are eating right, exercising, and taking their medications. So I am frustrated by the fact that this...thing might limit our chances to have (a) child(ren) of our own. I'm already 33...how much longer do we have to wait? What about the choices I made up until now? What have those done to our chances of having a child of our own? And where will go from here? What choices will we make?

I do have appointments with reproductive endocrinology and endocrinology - although the repro endo appointment is going to just be a "hey, here's a plan for when you have the dm under control...". At least I'll get some face time with them - and learn what they mean by "under control", what their philosophies are, etc.

My husband started a new job several months ago - we are lucky enough to have bought a lovely new house this summer - and, all things considered, we are living the American dream. But now I am someone with chronic health problems - someone like all of the someones I have worked with all of my professional life - except now that is me!

So...that is the idea behind the naming of this blog. I don't know if anyone will read it - at this point, I have my doubts! - but I do want to save my thoughts and feelings for the future. Looking back on my life, I've always gained clarity through the distance of time. I hope that the same is true at this point in my life, and that in five years, I will look back to see the decisions and choices that we made. And hopefully I will see how they got us to a new place - and a good one.