Mid-January, already??

How is that possible? And how is it possible that I haven't written in two weeks? Sheesh....

My brother came through his surgery just fine. I think he goes back to work on Tuesday - he is in the banking industry so they have Monday off. Anyway, he was less whiny than we all thought he was going to be - just goes to show what we know - and my mom was really good about updating me on his status. So that makes me feel good - I just hope that he doesn't get sick nearly as often now that he has had the surgery.

I had my one-month post-op appointment this past Monday. It was fine, although still a little...unsatisfying. I mean, she answered all of my questions, and we have a plan, but I think I'm starting to get to the "why me" part of the whole infertility thing. It's just...frustrating. N was able to come with me because he took an unpaid day off of work (they're trying to save $$$ and not lay people off...he is all for that, so has scheduled a few unpaid days off). I was glad he was able to come - but bummed because it was kind of an atypical visit. We had to wait nearly 45 minutes for the doc to come in the room. I wonder if the residents are still off for the holidays? Because it was a staff doc, and that doesn't usually happen. Anyway, it was a woman I'd not met before, but she had done a good job of reading up on what had happened previously. She reiterated that everything looked good on the lap - that my tubes looked "beautiful" - and that there was no sign of the hydrosalpinx that was the cause of all this worry. So, so weird. I meant to ask - but didn't - what could cause the HSG to look like I have a hydrosalpinx when there isn't one there. It was reassuring to hear that structurally things are fine. She suggested that we start right in with unmedicated IUI's. I asked about that - apparently, since we know that I am ovulating, there isn't much benefit to adding the meds, and they raise the risk of multiples (soooo not interested in having multiples). So we're going to proceed with the IUI's. The first one should be this weekend - I haven't yet had my positive opk, but it should be today or tomorrow.

N is doing very well with this, it seems, but then he'll say stuff in emails that makes me think that he is feeling guilty that it seems to be a male factor problem. I wish I could help him see that it's not his fault that this is happening. I've tried reassuring him, but I'm not sure he is hearing me.

And then, of course, there are added complications....His parents are being weird again - I will have to write about their reaction too our wedding and wedding photographer sometime - and the drama just drives me crazy. On the plus side, his brother - almost 40, divorced for a few years - met a very nice woman (by all accounts...I haven't met her) and they are going to get married in September. Fantastic, right? In northern CA, near Napa, and they're paying for us to stay at this fabulous resort that we would never ever be able to afford ever. Did I mention ever? The problem? If I get pregnant on this cycle - and I'm not holding my breath, but it could happen - then I will be 36 weeks pregnant at the time of their wedding. Right on the edge of being able to travel. And this is what has been frustrating me for the past few days. If we weren't having trouble getting pregnant, then this wouldn't be a deal at all. In the first place, we'd likely already have a kid. In the second place, if we managed to get pregnant spontaneously and the timing just happened to be crappy, oh well! nothing you can do about it! But when you're infertile and relying on modern medicine to help you out...there is always the question of whether to proceed with it this cycle because if it works, and if I get pregnant, and if I am unable to travel to the wedding, then, well, I wouldn't put it past his family to blame me for that.

The money part of the infertility stuff is also bothering me. It drives me nuts that the decisions we're making about building our family - one baby? Two? - are driven, in part, by whether we're going to have money to get me pregnant. My insurance has a $25000 cap on infertility treatments, lifetime. So, we've already lost about $5000 because of the consultations and the surgery. Down to $20000. And now we're going to do some IUI's. That'll drop us by another $1000 or so. And then if we have to go to IVF, we'll probably only have enough money left for one try. That just doesn't seem right. And if we get to IVF, and the first one fails? That's it. That's all we can do as far as building a family. It just doesn't seem fair, quite honestly. All of my friends and family members who are getting pregnant at the drop of a hat...they never have to think about this stuff. And I hate sounding like "why me?" but it's irritating and frustrating and it hurts. It really really bothers me that we could end up without children simply because we don't have the money to go through the treatments that could get us pregnant.

I know I'm borrowing trouble, that we haven't even tried IUI's yet, that they might work, etc. etc. etc. But still...I know that IUI's don't always work. I know that there are probably additional factors that they haven't teased out yet that are likely keeping me from getting pregnant. And I know that having to escalate our interventions is very, very likely. But the fact that money could stop us from having a family? That just makes me sick to my stomach.

And adoption...well, we couldn't afford adoption even if we wanted to go down that road. And I'm not sure we do. We haven't really talked about it other than as a last resort...but knowing how expensive it is, I'm not sure it's going to be possible, either.

And, one last note. This is a really whiny post, so I'll try to make the next one less whiny. Anyway, I have a feeling that my college roommate is pregnant again and not calling me because she doesn't want to upset me. Seriously. I haven't talked to her for over a month...and the last time we talked she made some comment about us "having kids about the same age" since they were starting to try again. What do you want to bet?? *sigh*

Okay, off to bake some cookies to get me out of this funk. And maybe eat lunch. Oh! the met*formin seems to be working at least a little bit - my sugars are overall lower than they were without medication. So that is good. I suspect they may bump up my dose - maybe include a lunchtime dose? - when I check in with them at the end of the month.