So...I waited for a bit (but not long) for the PA who had given me the bad news the day before. I'm not entirely sure how this clinic works as far as deciding who you see for any given appointment - it's an academic medical center, so usually it's a resident/medical student + an attending at each clinic appointment. But the PA was the one who took my appointment on Thursday. She came in and said that they weren't able to get a good look at whether I had a septum during the HSG - that the position of my uterus wasn't conducive to getting the views that the previous doc had requested. But ultrasound had an open room right then, and was I okay with having another one? I said yes, of course, because in my mind, more information is always better. She asked how I was after the procedure the day before and I told her I was still having twinging pains, mostly on the left. She thought that was weird, since the hydrosalpinx is on the right. I told her it wasn't enough that I needed to take anything for it - but I definitely noticed it.
We went up to the front desk so the administrative person could put the request for the u/s in. The PA went back to the u/s room to let the tech know we were coming back - then they both came to the front desk and told the admin not to bother, they were just going to squeeze me in and not charge me for it (very nice!). We went back to the room, and I did the usual empty-the-bladder, take-off-the-pants, replace-with-this-sheet dance. Of course, I always wrap myself up like a burrito, and then they have to partially unwrap me to get the scan. Whoops.
She started scanning, and said that she couldn't see the hydrosalpinx on the right. Great, but it was definitely visible on the HSG the day before. Then she said something like "Whoa, I've never seen THAT before!" Um, okay. Not what you want to hear when someone is looking at your baby making parts with an ultrasound wand! She had the PA come around the end of the table, and she said the same thing. Apparently I have a very anterior cervix, but a very posterior uterus. Which is why the HSG hurt so much - they were trying to yank my uterus so that it flipped forward, so they could get a better shot of it on the x-ray. No dice - my uterus refused to move. So that, plus the pain of the dye going through the hydrosalpinx, was why the HSG hurt so, so, much.
The tech asked the PA to get the other tech, who had done my initial ultrasound (the one where they debated fibroids vs. septum vs. arcuate uterus) to "come and see this". So I had three people staring at the pictures of my apparently oddly placed and shaped uterus. She did, finally, get a view of the septum, and they decided that it was just a bit of a dent in the wall. It measured at less than 1 cm, which is the cut off for having to do something about it.
After that, we went back to the exam room, and the PA pulled up the HSG pictures on the computer. I was curious as to whether the hydrosalpinx was really on the right, since I was having so much pain on the left. Sure enough, it was -they had labeled it wrong during the scan, but it was definitely my right side. She showed it to me again, and then said that they typically recommend laparascopic surgery to examine the diseased tube, and likely take it ou, and also to take a look at the other tube, in case it is also diseased. She said that they think I probably have endometriosis. I think that's very strange - not impossible, but strange - because I have friends with endometriosis and my cycles and cramps were never as bad as theirs. My college roommate had it bad enough that she had two surgeries, one just after high school and one while we were in college. I gave her Lupron shots to try to keep the growth down during the year that she had surgery. Me? I never had cramps that were that bad that I had to skip school, or that made me sick. Sure, I have to take anti-inflammatories around the clock on the first day of my period, but that didn't seem that unusual to me. I did pass out from cramps when I was in high school- that was fun - but overall? It is really strange to me that this would be bad enough to cause this much tubal disease, but that I wouldn't have that much pain. Hm.
I talked with the PA about what I had read -about how the diseased tube can cause problems for pregnancy, and how I wanted to know as much as possible about what was going on. She said that this would allow them to remove that tube, and maybe the other one if it, too, was diseased. If that happens, we would definitely have to move on to IVF if I were ever to get pregnant. If they left the other tube in, then we could do monitored IUIs with ultrasound - to make sure I am ovulating on the correct side. But most likely we're looking at IVF. Not a place that I really wanted to go - what if I get pregnant with twins? What will that do to my career plans? And N's career plans? One baby is what we had agreed on - we both thought that one child would fit in well with the life we had planned for ourselves. But since we won't be able to get pregnant without help, well...I guess we have to reconsider all of this. We haven't made a decision about IVF yet - we want more information - but it does look like that is what we will be doing.
So we talked about the surgery - the risks, the benefits - and I told her that I thought it was a reasonable next step. Particularly since removing the tube would presumably help me to carry a pregnancy to term - that was one of the major arguments in favor of the surgery. She told me that their clinic numbers indicate that younger women (< 35) with hydrosalpinx who do not have the tube removed have a lower rate of successful pregnancy even with IVF. The numbers come close to those women without tube disease if the tube is removed. So. I made the decision that surgery was the next best step. I felt kind of bad that I didn't directly consult N about this, but we had talked about it the night before, and I had told him that I thought that would be a good step before trying anything else as far as conception goes.
So, the PA sent the nurse in to do the pre-op education. Hilarious, since I used to work in the recovery room. It's the usual stuff. Oh, we scheduled it for 12/12, which is a Friday, a week before my parents and in-laws are coming to town for my graduation. They will try to do the surgery laparascopically, but they might have to open me up if there is endometrium/disease that they cannot access through the surgical openings. I will definitely be up and around by the next week - so that is why I chose to go ahead before graduation. Even if I have to stay in the hospital over the weekend (which I really, really hope doesn't happen). So anyway - preop education was fine, the nurse was nice and didn't make me watch the video (seriously? a video? I think I have it down, thanks...). They have to do a computer-based questionnaire to evaluate your risk for anesthesia - I came in at low risk, despite the diabetes. Woo hoo. So I don't need to have a pre-op appointment in anesthesia clinic, just a phone call the day before surgery and then a day-of check in with the anesthetist.
The person doing my surgery is the head of the Infertility clinic and a gyn surgeon. So, not a bad person to be doing this! And the resident on that day is a third year. So, whew. I'd rather have someone who must have a bit of a clue by now. ;)
The PA came back in to do a physical and everything checked out fine. She couldn't feel anything - the hydrosalpinx, etc - on bimanual exam, which is why no one ever thought that something might be wrong. It has occurred to me since this appointment that the fact that I was on birth control pills for so long (7+ years) might also have limited the cramps and pain that I have each month - even on the pill, I needed to take anti-inflammatories round the clock on the first day of my period, or I was completely miserable.
So I am set for surgery - the appointment took forever, I don't think I left until almost 1 pm. They talked to the billing office - the surgery will be covered under my new insurance's infertility coverage. It should be about $7000, which isn't too bad. That still leaves enough that we could get in an IVF or two if we choose to go that route. I do have to call Monday -the first day of my new insurance - to see if I need to get preapproval/clearance for the surgery. She put it in as a diagnostic laparoscopy, with dysmenorrhea. We'll see - I'm sure there will be a co-pay, but as long as they cover the majority of it, that will be good. And, I get paid again starting Monday, so that is even better. We're cutting our spending a bit close since I haven't been paid in 2 months. Whew.
More in the next post re: telling the parents (NOT fun, since they didn't even know we were trying!), etc.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Complications
So...I know I wanted to have the HSG last week, and I was so thankful to have an appointment on Wednesday despite the REI clinic's initial dearth of open spots. I hoped that everything would be clear and easy, and that we would move on to do IUI's this week (assuming that N and I would be in the same place at the right time, what with Thanksgiving and him needing to travel this week...).
But then Wednesday came, and the procedure, and the outcome was not at all what I thought it was going to be. I got there on time, and got my directions to diagnostic radiology without incident. I was even taken back within a reasonable period of time, once I walked a mile or so and got to radiology. Of course, I had to put on a lovely gown with a housecoat over it (and no undies...joy...). And then I had to wait for them to come get me for the procedure. Fortunately I was by myself in the waiting room, but for the VERY LOUD television blaring some weirdo soap opera at top volume. (Side note: Why do I never feel like I can change the tv's in waiting rooms or at the gym? Seriously. I never do it - unless someone asks me for help. Like this morning, two of the gym tv's had audible volume, but nothing that was annoying. But then this guy came in and turned both of them down and turned on another tv to another channel. I would never do that - what if someone were watching? Or listening? But in this waiting room, it was just me. Anyway...)
They called me back about 20 minutes late, but I still had plenty of time before my next appointment (for the irritating vibration in my ear, whole 'nother story). Two very nice radiology techs, who got me situated on the very hard table, which had a lovely disposable chux pad on it (that never makes me feel very comfortable... it implies that they think there will be fluid leakage from...down there). They took their preliminary pictures, and then the OB folks came in. There was a resident who would be performing the procedure, and the PA who is in charge of these sorts of things. The resident got himself situated at the end of the table, and I got to scoot down and put my feet on these weird knob things. Fortunately, someone gave me a sheet to actually cover myself, since, you know, my feet were on the knobs, and my knees were up, and well...let's just say that I didn't want to be sharing that with everyone.
The resident got all of the equipment - speculum, catheter, etc. etc. - situated, and then they brought in the radiologists to take the pictures. Nothing like a big group of people in the room while I'm laying there with my knees spread. :P I guess that's what I get for going to a big academic medical center.
The resident injected the first round of iodine, and oh-my-god...I thought I was going to die from the pain. Which made me think that something was going on, since everything I had read indicated that I shouldn't have pain unless, well, there was something wrong with at least one of my tubes. Before I knew it, I was crying from the pain and trying to just breathe to get through it. Thank goodness for the radiology techs -they didn't need to be doing anything, with the radiologists there, so they were tasked with holding my hand and wiping my tears. It was awful. I don't know that I've had pain that bad before. At least not in that area of my body - I mean, I've hurt leg muscles, and my knees, etc. before, but this was beyond anything that I'd felt before. They had me turn one way, then the other. Then they decided that they hadn't gotten really good views the first way, so I swear it felt like the resident was trying to pull my uterus out through my you-know-what. It was awful - absolutely awful. Finally, finally, they were finished. The radiologists left, the resident cleaned up, and I had to turn on my stomach for one last picture (not sure what that was for, but whatever...).
Then the PA came back in to talk about what they found. I have a hydrosalpinx on the right side - a bad one, apparently - and with no apparent risk factors. A hydrosalpinx is when there is an infection or other scarring in the fallopian tube, which leads to an outpouching of the tube, and fluid or debris collects in there. Basically, that tube is shot. And typically, this is not a unilateral thing. Having this on one side means that there is likely tubal disease on the other side - even though the iodine did not show that on the HSG. So the PA went through all of this with me - and talked about how we could still do IUI's this cycle, maybe with Clomid next cycle to get me to have more than one follicle, etc. She also talked about how we could move on to IVF now that we knew I had "tubal disease" (that's what she kept calling it) and that we would have to decide about that. She talked about my apparent lack of risk factors for the hydrosalpinx (never had a pelvic infection, or STD, or pelvic surgery) and their difficulty figuring out what actually caused this problem. She also talked about the potential for infection now that they had done the HSG - and said that I would have to take 3 days of antibiotics, just in case. If she said anything more, I don't remember it. I just remember her telling me that I had one bad tube, and probably 2, and that we would have to think hard about whether we should move on to IVF instead of the IUI's. She did say at some point that I should think about making a clinic appointment, since this was a lot of information to cover, particularly after the procedure.
I just wanted to get out of there. It hurt - still - and I knew I was going to be in pain and crampy for a while. And I knew that our path to having a baby was now getting more complicated and difficult - this wasn't as simple as some sperm that couldn't find their way, or were too poky in trying to get where they needed to be.
I got cleaned up - iodine! joy! -a nd went to my other appointment. Small favors - I apparently have the hearing of a 12 year old, and they had no explanation for the annoying vibration. None. So, whatever - I'll deal with it later.
N met me at home - we had dinner plans with friends - and I just said that I wanted to talk about it later, not before we went to dinner. I felt like I had been crying all week at that point...Monday with the appointment problems, Tuesday anticipating the appointment, Wednesday with the painful, awful procedure and the aftermath...etc.
Once we did talk about it, we decided that I should make a clinic appointment to talk through the different options. Neither of us wanted to pursue IUI's if there was little to no chance of them working. And having ultrasounds before each IUI to see if I was ovulating on the "right" side (actually my left side) could get very $$$ very quickly. So I called Thurs morning to make an appointment - and was shocked when the woman said they could get me in at 10:30, or how about 11? I was astonished - for a first appointment, it was a month wait!
I took the 11 am appointment, and did some reading online. It turns out that hydrosalpinx (or hydrosapinges, if you have more than one) can actually interfere with the success of pregnancies. Even if you have IVF, the fluid from the hydrosalpinx can flow back towards the uterus and make the environment for an embryo very hostile. So many of the websites that I read through on Weds night and Thurs morning said that the best course of action was to remove the bad tube...and the other tube if it was also diseased.
When I got to clinic, they again took me back right on time. I have to say, that is one of the lovely things about this clinic. I have rarely waited for more than 5 minutes in the big waiting room for someone. I've waited longer in the exam rooms, but still - to get people out of the waiting room that quickly is really good.
Okay, I'm going to continue this in a separate post, since I need a break.
Whew.
But then Wednesday came, and the procedure, and the outcome was not at all what I thought it was going to be. I got there on time, and got my directions to diagnostic radiology without incident. I was even taken back within a reasonable period of time, once I walked a mile or so and got to radiology. Of course, I had to put on a lovely gown with a housecoat over it (and no undies...joy...). And then I had to wait for them to come get me for the procedure. Fortunately I was by myself in the waiting room, but for the VERY LOUD television blaring some weirdo soap opera at top volume. (Side note: Why do I never feel like I can change the tv's in waiting rooms or at the gym? Seriously. I never do it - unless someone asks me for help. Like this morning, two of the gym tv's had audible volume, but nothing that was annoying. But then this guy came in and turned both of them down and turned on another tv to another channel. I would never do that - what if someone were watching? Or listening? But in this waiting room, it was just me. Anyway...)
They called me back about 20 minutes late, but I still had plenty of time before my next appointment (for the irritating vibration in my ear, whole 'nother story). Two very nice radiology techs, who got me situated on the very hard table, which had a lovely disposable chux pad on it (that never makes me feel very comfortable... it implies that they think there will be fluid leakage from...down there). They took their preliminary pictures, and then the OB folks came in. There was a resident who would be performing the procedure, and the PA who is in charge of these sorts of things. The resident got himself situated at the end of the table, and I got to scoot down and put my feet on these weird knob things. Fortunately, someone gave me a sheet to actually cover myself, since, you know, my feet were on the knobs, and my knees were up, and well...let's just say that I didn't want to be sharing that with everyone.
The resident got all of the equipment - speculum, catheter, etc. etc. - situated, and then they brought in the radiologists to take the pictures. Nothing like a big group of people in the room while I'm laying there with my knees spread. :P I guess that's what I get for going to a big academic medical center.
The resident injected the first round of iodine, and oh-my-god...I thought I was going to die from the pain. Which made me think that something was going on, since everything I had read indicated that I shouldn't have pain unless, well, there was something wrong with at least one of my tubes. Before I knew it, I was crying from the pain and trying to just breathe to get through it. Thank goodness for the radiology techs -they didn't need to be doing anything, with the radiologists there, so they were tasked with holding my hand and wiping my tears. It was awful. I don't know that I've had pain that bad before. At least not in that area of my body - I mean, I've hurt leg muscles, and my knees, etc. before, but this was beyond anything that I'd felt before. They had me turn one way, then the other. Then they decided that they hadn't gotten really good views the first way, so I swear it felt like the resident was trying to pull my uterus out through my you-know-what. It was awful - absolutely awful. Finally, finally, they were finished. The radiologists left, the resident cleaned up, and I had to turn on my stomach for one last picture (not sure what that was for, but whatever...).
Then the PA came back in to talk about what they found. I have a hydrosalpinx on the right side - a bad one, apparently - and with no apparent risk factors. A hydrosalpinx is when there is an infection or other scarring in the fallopian tube, which leads to an outpouching of the tube, and fluid or debris collects in there. Basically, that tube is shot. And typically, this is not a unilateral thing. Having this on one side means that there is likely tubal disease on the other side - even though the iodine did not show that on the HSG. So the PA went through all of this with me - and talked about how we could still do IUI's this cycle, maybe with Clomid next cycle to get me to have more than one follicle, etc. She also talked about how we could move on to IVF now that we knew I had "tubal disease" (that's what she kept calling it) and that we would have to decide about that. She talked about my apparent lack of risk factors for the hydrosalpinx (never had a pelvic infection, or STD, or pelvic surgery) and their difficulty figuring out what actually caused this problem. She also talked about the potential for infection now that they had done the HSG - and said that I would have to take 3 days of antibiotics, just in case. If she said anything more, I don't remember it. I just remember her telling me that I had one bad tube, and probably 2, and that we would have to think hard about whether we should move on to IVF instead of the IUI's. She did say at some point that I should think about making a clinic appointment, since this was a lot of information to cover, particularly after the procedure.
I just wanted to get out of there. It hurt - still - and I knew I was going to be in pain and crampy for a while. And I knew that our path to having a baby was now getting more complicated and difficult - this wasn't as simple as some sperm that couldn't find their way, or were too poky in trying to get where they needed to be.
I got cleaned up - iodine! joy! -a nd went to my other appointment. Small favors - I apparently have the hearing of a 12 year old, and they had no explanation for the annoying vibration. None. So, whatever - I'll deal with it later.
N met me at home - we had dinner plans with friends - and I just said that I wanted to talk about it later, not before we went to dinner. I felt like I had been crying all week at that point...Monday with the appointment problems, Tuesday anticipating the appointment, Wednesday with the painful, awful procedure and the aftermath...etc.
Once we did talk about it, we decided that I should make a clinic appointment to talk through the different options. Neither of us wanted to pursue IUI's if there was little to no chance of them working. And having ultrasounds before each IUI to see if I was ovulating on the "right" side (actually my left side) could get very $$$ very quickly. So I called Thurs morning to make an appointment - and was shocked when the woman said they could get me in at 10:30, or how about 11? I was astonished - for a first appointment, it was a month wait!
I took the 11 am appointment, and did some reading online. It turns out that hydrosalpinx (or hydrosapinges, if you have more than one) can actually interfere with the success of pregnancies. Even if you have IVF, the fluid from the hydrosalpinx can flow back towards the uterus and make the environment for an embryo very hostile. So many of the websites that I read through on Weds night and Thurs morning said that the best course of action was to remove the bad tube...and the other tube if it was also diseased.
When I got to clinic, they again took me back right on time. I have to say, that is one of the lovely things about this clinic. I have rarely waited for more than 5 minutes in the big waiting room for someone. I've waited longer in the exam rooms, but still - to get people out of the waiting room that quickly is really good.
Okay, I'm going to continue this in a separate post, since I need a break.
Whew.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Depths
I was hoping that this blog wasn't going to be all about our journey to have children, but those issues are the ones that are taking up space in my mind and heart these days. I'm very frustrated right now - and even though I know no one will likely read this, except for me, I'm going to use this space to try to work through some of what I am feeling. Plus, if we ever get lucky enough to have a child, I don't want to forget what we went through to get to that point.
Anyway, last cycle I wasn't able to have an HSG because I ovulated too early - day 8, if you can believe that. And they don't want to risk a potential pregnancy, even though the chances of us getting pregnant on our own are slim to none. And after talking about it with N, we didn't want to risk it either. What if this was the month? So I scheduled the HSG for next Weds (the day before Thanksgiving) after talking with the REI nurse, with the thought that I would get my period tomorrow, then the HSG would be on day 7, and all would be good. Oh, and we could try for an IUI, too, since I would not have ovulated before the HSG.
Except that I got my period yesterday, Sunday, making my last cycle 21 days. 21 days! Up until now, the shortest one has been 24 days. So I was upset yesterday because the timing is completely crappy...I would have to try to get an HSG this week, because what if I ovulate early again on this cycle? And N has to be out of town next Tues, and Thurs we're going to his parents' for Thanksgiving. So I was upset yesterday about that - he's going out of town because of this possible new job - but that means that we might miss doing an IUI on this cycle. I calmed down, though, once I realized that there was nothing I could do about it - and that N was willing to play with our schedule next week to make it so that we would be here Weds morning and Fri morning, meaning we only miss 2 days for the possible IUI.
But then, this morning, I called REI to ask to speak to a nurse, to try to get my HSG rescheduled for this week. And the person who answered the phone took all the info and then said she would look to see if there were any openings this week...and...there weren't. And I completely, completely lost it. Blubbering on the phone. Telling her that this happened last time, and that I didn't want to miss two cycles trying to get this done, etc. etc. etc. She was very nice on the phone, and didn't freak out on me, but she also can't override the schedule. The HSG's are done by residents at this hospital, so they require coordination between the medical and the radiology folks. She suggested I call the other hospital in town to see if they could get me in. So I had a nice big temper tantrum in the car. Crying, screaming, swearing at god, you name it. I was as upset and angry as I have been during this entire process. I got home - the poor dog, he was so confused. Why is she coming back from the grocery store sobbing? Spent some more time sobbing into a paper towel while I unpacked the groceries. Called hospital #2 and found out that they can't just do this for me - they need to have my doctor at my hospital refer me to an OB at their hospital to get it done. So that's not going to happen - at least not in time for me to get the procedure scheduled at their facility. Called my REI clinic back and got the same woman - she apologized, and told me she didn't realize that they couldn't just do it with an order from my doctor. She said she would have someone call me.
Then I called N and blubbered into the phone some more. This completely and totally sucks - there is no other word for it. I feel like I am being penalized because I have short cycles. They will schedule ahead for this - at least, they will now, with me - but can't they leave a slot open each week just in case??? Or have the option of adding slots if necessary? I really hate the thought that we might miss out on this cycle, too! That gets us to December - 1/3 of the way through the year (I count the years starting with my birthday - and I would really like to be pregnant before my next birthday - so August --> December = 4 months, 1/3 of the year). And NOTHING to show for it except for a bunch of clinic appointments and canceled appointments. I am really, really, really ticked off about this. And what is up with the 21 day cycle?? That has NEVER happened to me before - and makes me think that there might be something else going on that they have not figured out.
So I am teary, and tired, and really really really sick of all of this. And it's hardly begun! We haven't even had the chance to do an IUI yet, because I can't get this procedure done! I'm headachy, and just want to lie on the couch and feel sorry for myself. But I can't because, well, that's not the way I am. *sigh* N says it's okay to be upset - and then he apologized for having "slow swimmers". It's not HIS fault - I know he's just trying to make me feel better, but...I feel like this is all on me. And I'm being thwarted at every turn.
Time for some more tea. And maybe some Tylenol. I have a pounding headache...
Update (4 pm):
The nurse from the clinic (Lois, not Lori...I hate it when I remember people's names wrong...) called me and said that they could fit me in this Wednesday at 1:30 pm. So that is good - I'm not sure whether it's because I blubbered like an idiot this morning, or because they felt sorry for me. I'm just happy we don't have to wait another month. The woman this morning was sympathetic - but I suspect that she doesn't have the authority to squeeze or alter the schedule. Anyway...
Then the dog made me laugh - I was washing his blankets and towels with my running stuff (in the special non-stinky detergent) and he was at loose ends (he loooves his blankie). So when I took a work break, I went to look for him. I found him, up in the family room, on the couch. In his usual spot. And he had pulled my fleece blanket that I use at night down onto the couch with him, and was cuddled up with it. His ears were even cold! Poor baby. I took a few pictures and then brought him downstairs and gave him his warm-from-the-dryer towel.
Anyway, last cycle I wasn't able to have an HSG because I ovulated too early - day 8, if you can believe that. And they don't want to risk a potential pregnancy, even though the chances of us getting pregnant on our own are slim to none. And after talking about it with N, we didn't want to risk it either. What if this was the month? So I scheduled the HSG for next Weds (the day before Thanksgiving) after talking with the REI nurse, with the thought that I would get my period tomorrow, then the HSG would be on day 7, and all would be good. Oh, and we could try for an IUI, too, since I would not have ovulated before the HSG.
Except that I got my period yesterday, Sunday, making my last cycle 21 days. 21 days! Up until now, the shortest one has been 24 days. So I was upset yesterday because the timing is completely crappy...I would have to try to get an HSG this week, because what if I ovulate early again on this cycle? And N has to be out of town next Tues, and Thurs we're going to his parents' for Thanksgiving. So I was upset yesterday about that - he's going out of town because of this possible new job - but that means that we might miss doing an IUI on this cycle. I calmed down, though, once I realized that there was nothing I could do about it - and that N was willing to play with our schedule next week to make it so that we would be here Weds morning and Fri morning, meaning we only miss 2 days for the possible IUI.
But then, this morning, I called REI to ask to speak to a nurse, to try to get my HSG rescheduled for this week. And the person who answered the phone took all the info and then said she would look to see if there were any openings this week...and...there weren't. And I completely, completely lost it. Blubbering on the phone. Telling her that this happened last time, and that I didn't want to miss two cycles trying to get this done, etc. etc. etc. She was very nice on the phone, and didn't freak out on me, but she also can't override the schedule. The HSG's are done by residents at this hospital, so they require coordination between the medical and the radiology folks. She suggested I call the other hospital in town to see if they could get me in. So I had a nice big temper tantrum in the car. Crying, screaming, swearing at god, you name it. I was as upset and angry as I have been during this entire process. I got home - the poor dog, he was so confused. Why is she coming back from the grocery store sobbing? Spent some more time sobbing into a paper towel while I unpacked the groceries. Called hospital #2 and found out that they can't just do this for me - they need to have my doctor at my hospital refer me to an OB at their hospital to get it done. So that's not going to happen - at least not in time for me to get the procedure scheduled at their facility. Called my REI clinic back and got the same woman - she apologized, and told me she didn't realize that they couldn't just do it with an order from my doctor. She said she would have someone call me.
Then I called N and blubbered into the phone some more. This completely and totally sucks - there is no other word for it. I feel like I am being penalized because I have short cycles. They will schedule ahead for this - at least, they will now, with me - but can't they leave a slot open each week just in case??? Or have the option of adding slots if necessary? I really hate the thought that we might miss out on this cycle, too! That gets us to December - 1/3 of the way through the year (I count the years starting with my birthday - and I would really like to be pregnant before my next birthday - so August --> December = 4 months, 1/3 of the year). And NOTHING to show for it except for a bunch of clinic appointments and canceled appointments. I am really, really, really ticked off about this. And what is up with the 21 day cycle?? That has NEVER happened to me before - and makes me think that there might be something else going on that they have not figured out.
So I am teary, and tired, and really really really sick of all of this. And it's hardly begun! We haven't even had the chance to do an IUI yet, because I can't get this procedure done! I'm headachy, and just want to lie on the couch and feel sorry for myself. But I can't because, well, that's not the way I am. *sigh* N says it's okay to be upset - and then he apologized for having "slow swimmers". It's not HIS fault - I know he's just trying to make me feel better, but...I feel like this is all on me. And I'm being thwarted at every turn.
Time for some more tea. And maybe some Tylenol. I have a pounding headache...
Update (4 pm):
The nurse from the clinic (Lois, not Lori...I hate it when I remember people's names wrong...) called me and said that they could fit me in this Wednesday at 1:30 pm. So that is good - I'm not sure whether it's because I blubbered like an idiot this morning, or because they felt sorry for me. I'm just happy we don't have to wait another month. The woman this morning was sympathetic - but I suspect that she doesn't have the authority to squeeze or alter the schedule. Anyway...
Then the dog made me laugh - I was washing his blankets and towels with my running stuff (in the special non-stinky detergent) and he was at loose ends (he loooves his blankie). So when I took a work break, I went to look for him. I found him, up in the family room, on the couch. In his usual spot. And he had pulled my fleece blanket that I use at night down onto the couch with him, and was cuddled up with it. His ears were even cold! Poor baby. I took a few pictures and then brought him downstairs and gave him his warm-from-the-dryer towel.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Gotta get better at this...
I'm not used to this blogging/journaling thing...so not a lot of regular posts from me. Hm. Anyway, I'll try to do better with that. I usually have several things bumping around in my head, it's just that I forget that I have a place to dump them now. :)
On the medical front, I had kind of an up and down week. I had a procedure scheduled for Wednesday, during which they were going to shoot dye up into my uterus and then take x-rays. Fun! But it had to be scheduled during a particular part of my schedule (post-bleeding, pre-ovulation, if you want the details). I told them when I called (on CD1) that I have short cycles so coming in on day 4 would probably be best, instead of waiting til CD11. They disagreed. So I scheduled for CD11, knowing that it might backfire. And it did. I ovulated on CD10. And then they didn't want to do the procedure because there was a slight (very slight) chance that I could be pregnant. I mean, so slight as to be almost hilariously nonexistent. *sigh* The doc was actually willing to chance it, but I wasn't. After some thought and consultation with N, we decided to wait another cycle. I was kind of ticked, too, because we could have done an IUI this cycle, but because no one called me back the evening that I got the + ovulation predictor response, it was too late by the time I talked to the nurse the next day. Argh argh argh. On the (semi-) plus side, I faxed my blood sugars in to the diabetes nurse educator, and we're still holding off on meds. I'm sure they'll want to start them eventually, but they want to just monitor for another 3 or so weeks. I find it kind of interesting, the patterns that my body has. And I'm kind of intrigued by the fact that my sugars don't seem to be that related to what I eat. Huh. Anyway...So that was the week in medical news. I will have the rescheduled HSG, assuming all goes normally with this cycle, on November 26th. The day before Thanksgiving. The day we have to head up to my in-laws for Thanksgiving. I hope I'm not too crampy, because that would really suck.
There have been a lot of other things to think about this week. N had been contacted by the head of another company in his field. The guy is thinking about starting a new branch, basically, that would be on the other side of the business from where N has worked for the past 10 or so years. He wanted to talk to N about coming on board and working on this new project. So they met yesterday at a mutually-agreed-upon Starbucks. N found out that not only would he be coming on board with a new project...he would essentially be running it. As in, responsible for the whole shebang. And, it would involve him being away from home for 4 nights a week for the foreseeable future. Which could throw a major crimp into our plans to start a family. And would mean that I'm all alone the majority of the time in our wonderful new house in our fantastic new community. But on the other hand...he is not being challenged at his current job, and they are not using the skills and talents that he has...not to mention the knowledge he gained from our time out east...in the best way. This would be a great step forward for him, professionally. It's just...how does it fit into our lives? What can we do to make this work, if this is what he wants? And what happens when I finish my post doc? We have a LOT of things to think about...I keep thinking that it would have been sooo much better if this had come up even 6 months ago - when we were trying to decide where to go and what to do when I finished the dissertation. But it didn't - it came up now and we're going to have to make the best decision for us as a family. Who knows what that will be, either?!?!?
Speaking of family...the biggest change in the last week has been the arrival of Simon. Simon is a 3 year old beagle we adopted from the humane society on Tues. We saw his picture late last week, and visited him on Saturday. He was probably abused in his previous life, poor baby, and so he's not quite adjusted to being in a home where no one wants to hurt him, etc. He has a decent amount of energy - on walks, for example - but when we are home, he mostly lays on his bed and watches me do things. He was not crate-trained before, so that is causing a few hurdles. But for the most part, he is a fantastic and loving little dog who just wants to be with his people. We love having him around - me especially, particularly when N is out of town.
And N is out of town tonight and tomorrow. A band he plays with has a gig in the next state over, and he won't be back until midday on Sunday. I will miss him....but I have a feeling I'll muddle through just fine. There is a lot of college football tomorrow, :>, and I have Simon to keep me company. I made my favorite favorite dinner last night - and so I have leftovers to eat all weekend. :) So that is good.
I'm going to try to write more frequently so I can get the thoughts in my head out on paper...or on screen..with more regularity.
And now, it's 5 pm on a Friday, my husband is out of town, and I have a bottle of wine that is calling my name. ;) Wine has very little in the way of carbs, did you know? Just have to watch the calories...
On the medical front, I had kind of an up and down week. I had a procedure scheduled for Wednesday, during which they were going to shoot dye up into my uterus and then take x-rays. Fun! But it had to be scheduled during a particular part of my schedule (post-bleeding, pre-ovulation, if you want the details). I told them when I called (on CD1) that I have short cycles so coming in on day 4 would probably be best, instead of waiting til CD11. They disagreed. So I scheduled for CD11, knowing that it might backfire. And it did. I ovulated on CD10. And then they didn't want to do the procedure because there was a slight (very slight) chance that I could be pregnant. I mean, so slight as to be almost hilariously nonexistent. *sigh* The doc was actually willing to chance it, but I wasn't. After some thought and consultation with N, we decided to wait another cycle. I was kind of ticked, too, because we could have done an IUI this cycle, but because no one called me back the evening that I got the + ovulation predictor response, it was too late by the time I talked to the nurse the next day. Argh argh argh. On the (semi-) plus side, I faxed my blood sugars in to the diabetes nurse educator, and we're still holding off on meds. I'm sure they'll want to start them eventually, but they want to just monitor for another 3 or so weeks. I find it kind of interesting, the patterns that my body has. And I'm kind of intrigued by the fact that my sugars don't seem to be that related to what I eat. Huh. Anyway...So that was the week in medical news. I will have the rescheduled HSG, assuming all goes normally with this cycle, on November 26th. The day before Thanksgiving. The day we have to head up to my in-laws for Thanksgiving. I hope I'm not too crampy, because that would really suck.
There have been a lot of other things to think about this week. N had been contacted by the head of another company in his field. The guy is thinking about starting a new branch, basically, that would be on the other side of the business from where N has worked for the past 10 or so years. He wanted to talk to N about coming on board and working on this new project. So they met yesterday at a mutually-agreed-upon Starbucks. N found out that not only would he be coming on board with a new project...he would essentially be running it. As in, responsible for the whole shebang. And, it would involve him being away from home for 4 nights a week for the foreseeable future. Which could throw a major crimp into our plans to start a family. And would mean that I'm all alone the majority of the time in our wonderful new house in our fantastic new community. But on the other hand...he is not being challenged at his current job, and they are not using the skills and talents that he has...not to mention the knowledge he gained from our time out east...in the best way. This would be a great step forward for him, professionally. It's just...how does it fit into our lives? What can we do to make this work, if this is what he wants? And what happens when I finish my post doc? We have a LOT of things to think about...I keep thinking that it would have been sooo much better if this had come up even 6 months ago - when we were trying to decide where to go and what to do when I finished the dissertation. But it didn't - it came up now and we're going to have to make the best decision for us as a family. Who knows what that will be, either?!?!?
Speaking of family...the biggest change in the last week has been the arrival of Simon. Simon is a 3 year old beagle we adopted from the humane society on Tues. We saw his picture late last week, and visited him on Saturday. He was probably abused in his previous life, poor baby, and so he's not quite adjusted to being in a home where no one wants to hurt him, etc. He has a decent amount of energy - on walks, for example - but when we are home, he mostly lays on his bed and watches me do things. He was not crate-trained before, so that is causing a few hurdles. But for the most part, he is a fantastic and loving little dog who just wants to be with his people. We love having him around - me especially, particularly when N is out of town.
And N is out of town tonight and tomorrow. A band he plays with has a gig in the next state over, and he won't be back until midday on Sunday. I will miss him....but I have a feeling I'll muddle through just fine. There is a lot of college football tomorrow, :>, and I have Simon to keep me company. I made my favorite favorite dinner last night - and so I have leftovers to eat all weekend. :) So that is good.
I'm going to try to write more frequently so I can get the thoughts in my head out on paper...or on screen..with more regularity.
And now, it's 5 pm on a Friday, my husband is out of town, and I have a bottle of wine that is calling my name. ;) Wine has very little in the way of carbs, did you know? Just have to watch the calories...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)