Goodness, how did it get to be the END of January, now? Argh...I have so many thoughts about the whole process of trying to get pregnant going through my head, and then life interferes and I can barely finish what I need to finish, let alone type out my thoughts. Hang on, though - must flip the laundry...
Okay, I'm back. Anyway, nothing much is happening on the trying-to-get-pregnant front, because we decided to skip this cycle. I'm okay with that - if I had gotten pregnant, then the timing would have conflicted with N's brother's wedding. The wedding is much-anticipated (second wedding for him, after a disastrous first wedding) and I just know that if I hadn't been able to attend, then his parents would have made me feel guilty for it. Even though it would have been, you know, a medical reason. They are all about the drama. All about it. *sigh* So, anyway, we are going to pick up again next cycle. Fortunately, this cycle should end sometime this weekend - temp hasn't dropped yet but should - and then we are on our way.
It's interesting to ponder the whole IUI thing in the abstract, but I am still rather apprehensive about how it will actually occur in reality. It'll be interesting to see how I feel about it after the first one. I mean, we've been having timed/targeted inter.course for what feels like forever now, and each time that could have resulted in pregnancy, but each time, of course, it hasn't. So I am having a hard time getting my hopes up, to be honest. I just have this feeling that we'll blow through our three IUI's and only have enough money left for one IVF, and poof...there goes our chance at a family. We can't afford to adopt and, well, I guess that would be it. Who, me, overthink? Never...But it is something that's on my mind. I guess all I can do is wait and see what happens. And if I do get pregnant, my goodness, do we have some cleaning up to do in that middle bedroom...
N was asked - in a hey, this is maybe-possibly going to happen, do you think you could...? kind of way - to go to TX in Feb for this conference thing. However, on his own, he realized that it would conflict with the first IUI (likely, given my ovulation history) and poof! he blamed me, said we were going out of town, sorry, it's been planned, etc. etc. etc. Wow! It makes me happy that he is so aware and is, for lack of a better term, on board with all we've been through and decided in the last few months.
Classes started - I have to take a couple this semester, even though I am technically a post doc. Of course, overall I am just a huge, huge nerd, so I am happy to be back in classes...particularly since I don't have to take them for a grade. Yay, learning for learning's sake! (told you I was a nerd...) Anyway, it is good to be on-campus for a few hours a day, most days a week. I feel productive and engaged and....well, to be honest? I feel happier than I have felt in a long, long time. Maybe that's why I'm so ambivalent about the whole baby thing right now? Although I am angry about the octuplets...so angry that I don't even want to go there.
Anyway, it's good to be on campus. I am reconnecting with friends, with people I know on faculty, and making it known that we want to stay here when this post doc is done. I hope I will have a good shot at a faculty position when all is said and done...of course, I need to be productive in the post doc, first!
N is away until tomorrow at another conference, lucky him. Hm. I expected to hear from him before this - I guess things ran late this afternoon. Anyway, it's quiet here, but that's not all bad. I slept like the dead last night, and only woke up when my alarm went off. I love him, but sometimes? A bed to myself is just what I need...
Friday, January 30, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
Mid-January, already??
How is that possible? And how is it possible that I haven't written in two weeks? Sheesh....
My brother came through his surgery just fine. I think he goes back to work on Tuesday - he is in the banking industry so they have Monday off. Anyway, he was less whiny than we all thought he was going to be - just goes to show what we know - and my mom was really good about updating me on his status. So that makes me feel good - I just hope that he doesn't get sick nearly as often now that he has had the surgery.
I had my one-month post-op appointment this past Monday. It was fine, although still a little...unsatisfying. I mean, she answered all of my questions, and we have a plan, but I think I'm starting to get to the "why me" part of the whole infertility thing. It's just...frustrating. N was able to come with me because he took an unpaid day off of work (they're trying to save $$$ and not lay people off...he is all for that, so has scheduled a few unpaid days off). I was glad he was able to come - but bummed because it was kind of an atypical visit. We had to wait nearly 45 minutes for the doc to come in the room. I wonder if the residents are still off for the holidays? Because it was a staff doc, and that doesn't usually happen. Anyway, it was a woman I'd not met before, but she had done a good job of reading up on what had happened previously. She reiterated that everything looked good on the lap - that my tubes looked "beautiful" - and that there was no sign of the hydrosalpinx that was the cause of all this worry. So, so weird. I meant to ask - but didn't - what could cause the HSG to look like I have a hydrosalpinx when there isn't one there. It was reassuring to hear that structurally things are fine. She suggested that we start right in with unmedicated IUI's. I asked about that - apparently, since we know that I am ovulating, there isn't much benefit to adding the meds, and they raise the risk of multiples (soooo not interested in having multiples). So we're going to proceed with the IUI's. The first one should be this weekend - I haven't yet had my positive opk, but it should be today or tomorrow.
N is doing very well with this, it seems, but then he'll say stuff in emails that makes me think that he is feeling guilty that it seems to be a male factor problem. I wish I could help him see that it's not his fault that this is happening. I've tried reassuring him, but I'm not sure he is hearing me.
And then, of course, there are added complications....His parents are being weird again - I will have to write about their reaction too our wedding and wedding photographer sometime - and the drama just drives me crazy. On the plus side, his brother - almost 40, divorced for a few years - met a very nice woman (by all accounts...I haven't met her) and they are going to get married in September. Fantastic, right? In northern CA, near Napa, and they're paying for us to stay at this fabulous resort that we would never ever be able to afford ever. Did I mention ever? The problem? If I get pregnant on this cycle - and I'm not holding my breath, but it could happen - then I will be 36 weeks pregnant at the time of their wedding. Right on the edge of being able to travel. And this is what has been frustrating me for the past few days. If we weren't having trouble getting pregnant, then this wouldn't be a deal at all. In the first place, we'd likely already have a kid. In the second place, if we managed to get pregnant spontaneously and the timing just happened to be crappy, oh well! nothing you can do about it! But when you're infertile and relying on modern medicine to help you out...there is always the question of whether to proceed with it this cycle because if it works, and if I get pregnant, and if I am unable to travel to the wedding, then, well, I wouldn't put it past his family to blame me for that.
The money part of the infertility stuff is also bothering me. It drives me nuts that the decisions we're making about building our family - one baby? Two? - are driven, in part, by whether we're going to have money to get me pregnant. My insurance has a $25000 cap on infertility treatments, lifetime. So, we've already lost about $5000 because of the consultations and the surgery. Down to $20000. And now we're going to do some IUI's. That'll drop us by another $1000 or so. And then if we have to go to IVF, we'll probably only have enough money left for one try. That just doesn't seem right. And if we get to IVF, and the first one fails? That's it. That's all we can do as far as building a family. It just doesn't seem fair, quite honestly. All of my friends and family members who are getting pregnant at the drop of a hat...they never have to think about this stuff. And I hate sounding like "why me?" but it's irritating and frustrating and it hurts. It really really bothers me that we could end up without children simply because we don't have the money to go through the treatments that could get us pregnant.
I know I'm borrowing trouble, that we haven't even tried IUI's yet, that they might work, etc. etc. etc. But still...I know that IUI's don't always work. I know that there are probably additional factors that they haven't teased out yet that are likely keeping me from getting pregnant. And I know that having to escalate our interventions is very, very likely. But the fact that money could stop us from having a family? That just makes me sick to my stomach.
And adoption...well, we couldn't afford adoption even if we wanted to go down that road. And I'm not sure we do. We haven't really talked about it other than as a last resort...but knowing how expensive it is, I'm not sure it's going to be possible, either.
And, one last note. This is a really whiny post, so I'll try to make the next one less whiny. Anyway, I have a feeling that my college roommate is pregnant again and not calling me because she doesn't want to upset me. Seriously. I haven't talked to her for over a month...and the last time we talked she made some comment about us "having kids about the same age" since they were starting to try again. What do you want to bet?? *sigh*
Okay, off to bake some cookies to get me out of this funk. And maybe eat lunch. Oh! the met*formin seems to be working at least a little bit - my sugars are overall lower than they were without medication. So that is good. I suspect they may bump up my dose - maybe include a lunchtime dose? - when I check in with them at the end of the month.
My brother came through his surgery just fine. I think he goes back to work on Tuesday - he is in the banking industry so they have Monday off. Anyway, he was less whiny than we all thought he was going to be - just goes to show what we know - and my mom was really good about updating me on his status. So that makes me feel good - I just hope that he doesn't get sick nearly as often now that he has had the surgery.
I had my one-month post-op appointment this past Monday. It was fine, although still a little...unsatisfying. I mean, she answered all of my questions, and we have a plan, but I think I'm starting to get to the "why me" part of the whole infertility thing. It's just...frustrating. N was able to come with me because he took an unpaid day off of work (they're trying to save $$$ and not lay people off...he is all for that, so has scheduled a few unpaid days off). I was glad he was able to come - but bummed because it was kind of an atypical visit. We had to wait nearly 45 minutes for the doc to come in the room. I wonder if the residents are still off for the holidays? Because it was a staff doc, and that doesn't usually happen. Anyway, it was a woman I'd not met before, but she had done a good job of reading up on what had happened previously. She reiterated that everything looked good on the lap - that my tubes looked "beautiful" - and that there was no sign of the hydrosalpinx that was the cause of all this worry. So, so weird. I meant to ask - but didn't - what could cause the HSG to look like I have a hydrosalpinx when there isn't one there. It was reassuring to hear that structurally things are fine. She suggested that we start right in with unmedicated IUI's. I asked about that - apparently, since we know that I am ovulating, there isn't much benefit to adding the meds, and they raise the risk of multiples (soooo not interested in having multiples). So we're going to proceed with the IUI's. The first one should be this weekend - I haven't yet had my positive opk, but it should be today or tomorrow.
N is doing very well with this, it seems, but then he'll say stuff in emails that makes me think that he is feeling guilty that it seems to be a male factor problem. I wish I could help him see that it's not his fault that this is happening. I've tried reassuring him, but I'm not sure he is hearing me.
And then, of course, there are added complications....His parents are being weird again - I will have to write about their reaction too our wedding and wedding photographer sometime - and the drama just drives me crazy. On the plus side, his brother - almost 40, divorced for a few years - met a very nice woman (by all accounts...I haven't met her) and they are going to get married in September. Fantastic, right? In northern CA, near Napa, and they're paying for us to stay at this fabulous resort that we would never ever be able to afford ever. Did I mention ever? The problem? If I get pregnant on this cycle - and I'm not holding my breath, but it could happen - then I will be 36 weeks pregnant at the time of their wedding. Right on the edge of being able to travel. And this is what has been frustrating me for the past few days. If we weren't having trouble getting pregnant, then this wouldn't be a deal at all. In the first place, we'd likely already have a kid. In the second place, if we managed to get pregnant spontaneously and the timing just happened to be crappy, oh well! nothing you can do about it! But when you're infertile and relying on modern medicine to help you out...there is always the question of whether to proceed with it this cycle because if it works, and if I get pregnant, and if I am unable to travel to the wedding, then, well, I wouldn't put it past his family to blame me for that.
The money part of the infertility stuff is also bothering me. It drives me nuts that the decisions we're making about building our family - one baby? Two? - are driven, in part, by whether we're going to have money to get me pregnant. My insurance has a $25000 cap on infertility treatments, lifetime. So, we've already lost about $5000 because of the consultations and the surgery. Down to $20000. And now we're going to do some IUI's. That'll drop us by another $1000 or so. And then if we have to go to IVF, we'll probably only have enough money left for one try. That just doesn't seem right. And if we get to IVF, and the first one fails? That's it. That's all we can do as far as building a family. It just doesn't seem fair, quite honestly. All of my friends and family members who are getting pregnant at the drop of a hat...they never have to think about this stuff. And I hate sounding like "why me?" but it's irritating and frustrating and it hurts. It really really bothers me that we could end up without children simply because we don't have the money to go through the treatments that could get us pregnant.
I know I'm borrowing trouble, that we haven't even tried IUI's yet, that they might work, etc. etc. etc. But still...I know that IUI's don't always work. I know that there are probably additional factors that they haven't teased out yet that are likely keeping me from getting pregnant. And I know that having to escalate our interventions is very, very likely. But the fact that money could stop us from having a family? That just makes me sick to my stomach.
And adoption...well, we couldn't afford adoption even if we wanted to go down that road. And I'm not sure we do. We haven't really talked about it other than as a last resort...but knowing how expensive it is, I'm not sure it's going to be possible, either.
And, one last note. This is a really whiny post, so I'll try to make the next one less whiny. Anyway, I have a feeling that my college roommate is pregnant again and not calling me because she doesn't want to upset me. Seriously. I haven't talked to her for over a month...and the last time we talked she made some comment about us "having kids about the same age" since they were starting to try again. What do you want to bet?? *sigh*
Okay, off to bake some cookies to get me out of this funk. And maybe eat lunch. Oh! the met*formin seems to be working at least a little bit - my sugars are overall lower than they were without medication. So that is good. I suspect they may bump up my dose - maybe include a lunchtime dose? - when I check in with them at the end of the month.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Resolving
Well, it's a good thing that I didn't resolve to procrastinate less in 2009...Have been sitting at my computer for about 2 hours now, and haven't progressed much beyond dinking on blogs and news websites. And the occasional Facebook status update because, you know, it's changed so much in the last 2 hours. :P
My brother has to have his tonsils out on Tuesday - at age 34 - and I am ridiculously nervous about the whole thing. I know people - adults, even - have this surgery every day, but I worry that he will be the one to have complications, and problems. Part of it is that I won't be able to be there and see him in person. I'll have to rely on my mother and sister in law for updates. My mom is pretty reliable about that sort of thing - she knows when he is just being whiny and when he's really hurting - but my sister in law is...not. We're all hoping that he's sick less often, though - he gets every sore throat that comes down the pike, it seems.
We had a nice new year - spent the first part of Weds evening at a friend's house (or should it be "at friends' house"...no, that's not right...well, whatever). They're hilariously fun people and it's always good to see them. They had bbq and veggies and chips and salsa and dip. Mmm...all good things. They also have a hilariously funny dog who is constantly into everything. She's at the opposite end of the spectrum from our dog, who is happiest when curled up under his blankie, napping. Yesterday we spent most of the day relaxing and just hanging out. We took Mr. Dog on a walk around the block - windy but not too cold, which made for nice walking - and ate snacky food. Mmmm...
Tuesday I had my follow up with the endocrinologist. He put me on Met*formin 500 mg twice a day - to see if that will reset my "set point" for my blood sugars. They're bizarrely constant, no matter what time I take them. Almost always in the high 120's/low 130's. So we'll see...I can't find any information on whether I should be seeing a difference by now (3 days in) or whether I need to give it a couple more days for full effect.
Also, just to whine a bit more, I think I need to go see a PT for my left glute. It's hurt since the marathon and that was in May. It was feeling better but now, not so much. I'm usually aware of it - even if I'm just sitting on it - and it hurts when I go up and down stairs, walk through the house, etc. Oddly, I don't notice it when I am actually running. Hm. That's strange - I hadn't realized that before. Of course, I don't know whether I need a referral or if I can just go to the big clinic in town...I guess I should just suck it up and call them. Nothing like using the good health insurance I've been provided with for this post doc.
Okay, time to do something more productive.
My brother has to have his tonsils out on Tuesday - at age 34 - and I am ridiculously nervous about the whole thing. I know people - adults, even - have this surgery every day, but I worry that he will be the one to have complications, and problems. Part of it is that I won't be able to be there and see him in person. I'll have to rely on my mother and sister in law for updates. My mom is pretty reliable about that sort of thing - she knows when he is just being whiny and when he's really hurting - but my sister in law is...not. We're all hoping that he's sick less often, though - he gets every sore throat that comes down the pike, it seems.
We had a nice new year - spent the first part of Weds evening at a friend's house (or should it be "at friends' house"...no, that's not right...well, whatever). They're hilariously fun people and it's always good to see them. They had bbq and veggies and chips and salsa and dip. Mmm...all good things. They also have a hilariously funny dog who is constantly into everything. She's at the opposite end of the spectrum from our dog, who is happiest when curled up under his blankie, napping. Yesterday we spent most of the day relaxing and just hanging out. We took Mr. Dog on a walk around the block - windy but not too cold, which made for nice walking - and ate snacky food. Mmmm...
Tuesday I had my follow up with the endocrinologist. He put me on Met*formin 500 mg twice a day - to see if that will reset my "set point" for my blood sugars. They're bizarrely constant, no matter what time I take them. Almost always in the high 120's/low 130's. So we'll see...I can't find any information on whether I should be seeing a difference by now (3 days in) or whether I need to give it a couple more days for full effect.
Also, just to whine a bit more, I think I need to go see a PT for my left glute. It's hurt since the marathon and that was in May. It was feeling better but now, not so much. I'm usually aware of it - even if I'm just sitting on it - and it hurts when I go up and down stairs, walk through the house, etc. Oddly, I don't notice it when I am actually running. Hm. That's strange - I hadn't realized that before. Of course, I don't know whether I need a referral or if I can just go to the big clinic in town...I guess I should just suck it up and call them. Nothing like using the good health insurance I've been provided with for this post doc.
Okay, time to do something more productive.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)