Woo hoo! Non medical stuff...well, mostly.

While the whole trying-to-get-pregnant/do-I-have-diabetes thing has been consuming a lot of time and energy, there ARE other things going on in our lives.

Chief among them is that my husband and I are now in the same geographic location. For a while there, we weren't. We were more like nomads - moving around the country until we could find our home. Finally, we did.

A little history... I used to be a travel nurse. Before that, I was pretty well-settled (well, except for moving nearly every year in college). But with travel nursing, you move every three or so months. So after I finished with the traveling and got a job with the federal government, I had to list all of my addresses for the past 10 years. I had 12 residences. Now, that included my parents' house a couple of times (you had to account for every...single...place that you lived, whether it was for 4 weeks or 40...), but really? 12 residences?

And then I moved out to flyover country to start grad school...bought a condo, settled in, met my future husband...we were really happy. And I had a permanent address for the first time in a long time. But then...life intervened again. I got a fellowship that required that I (at least) relocate for the time it would take me to complete my dissertation. For a while, we tried the long distance thing. Me in the DC area, my husband in flyover land. That lasted about...8 months, I think. Then we just couldn't take it anymore. We were getting married in about 6 months, we were tired of being apart, and quite frankly....living 1000 miles apart is not a good way to work on building a life together! So he moved out to DC for me...requiring lots of sacrifice on his part.

We were out there (together) for two and a half years. It was wonderful to be together...but so, so hard to be in a place that we knew wasn't for us. That was probably the hardest part of those few years. Yeah, the dissertation wasn't the easiest thing in the world, and I hit what seemed to be a lot of roadblocks. But living in a place where you are not happy? Not something I would wish on anyone. I know that different things make different people happy....let's just say that we are NOT city people, and we are not really East coast people. Even though I grew up there, and my parents and brother still live there...I definitely identify as a midwesterner now.

ANYway, I digress again. So last spring, we decided where we wanted to live after (yay!!!) I finished the dissertation. We decided to return to flyover land, to the same town where we lived before, and for me to return to the same university where I will -shortly - be receiving my degree. It was definitely the right decision for us, as far as living situations go. We bought a house - a real house! with its own walls! and a yard! and garage! (boy, do we feel grown-up). And my husband got a job with his old company....although it's not nearly as challenging as he would like. And we settled in. Except for the minor fact that, well, I had to be back East for a few months, finishing things up. And the person I was working with was, let's just say, not being very flexible about the fact that my LIFE was in flyover land, while I was stuck in DC. Not. Very. Fun. At all.

We made it through - although I was very, very happy to see DC in my rearview mirror. And now I've been out here full time for a month. And I have to say, I don't know if I have ever been happier than in the last month.

It's not that I don't have demands on my time - I do. I'm working on publications and getting ready to start my post doc and seeing friends who I haven't seen for a long time. But I'm also getting to do the things that I never seemed to have time for when we lived out east...cooking dinner! baking! laundry and cleaning - during the week! I feel like I am more relaxed and happy, and I hope that is spilling over into our home life.

I also feel kind of like a 50's housewife, to be honest. I'm taking care of everything at home because well, honestly, I'm not working right now and my husband is. And even when I AM back at it and working hard, I am never (please, please) going to have the type of commute or working life that I had while we were out East. I love being able to cook dinner almost every night. I love trying out new things. I love that the house is clean, and the laundry is washed, and I'm not running around trying to get everything done on a weekend.

Life is good. It's really, really good - even though we haven't yet covered our master bedroom window. Well, hm. See, they're just now building the house on that side. And so no one has been able to see anything...and, well. Let's just say we can both be remarkably indecisive about these sorts of things.

But life is good - we are spending time together, and eating dinner together (at the TABLE!) most nights. And so despite all of the medical crap, things are pretty darn good right now. It helps me to realize that we are going to get through this, no matter what, and we are going to come out the other side.

Next time...more on life as we know it now, and my husband's job issues.

In progress...

Not the post...although it may take a little bit to get this one up. More that I feel like our lives are "in progress" right now.

Let's see...Where was I. I don't think that I had had my appointment with regular endocrinology. Oh! And I was dealing with the problematic phrase in the final-final version of my dissertation.

Not to harp on that - but I was told I could bring in the changed pages and switch them out. Then, when I got there, I found out that no, really, they typically don't let students do this. I got yelled at, which was really difficult. I haven't been yelled at like that in a long time. Long story short, they let me switch out the pages because I was "misinformed". Why not just call me back and tell me no? Or make the policy a one-at-a-time policy? It seems like this is one time when a blanket policy might not be the best way to go. Whatever, it's over. My adviser told me to forget about it - that I am DONE with this phase of my life. Wahoo!

So, on to endocrinology. We had a fabulous weekend at home, and I have to admit I splurged a bit on the carbs, since I had a feeling I would be getting the carb-counting plan on Tuesday. I arrived just in time for my appointment (I try to take the bus whenever possible) and was taken back right away. Whew. They try to be pretty good with that in this facility, which I appreciate. Weight, vitals, etc. Weight is so frustrating for me - I am more active than I ever was in college, and yet I weigh 15 pounds more than I did at my heaviest during college! It is very frustrating. I'm sure that some of it is muscle but all of it can't be. Anyway...

I saw the resident, who took a nice, detailed family and medical history. They're hilariously amazed that I have no health problems. Well, allergies. But really? Not much going on. No symptoms, no issues, no nothing. So it's kind of fun to go through that with people. Of course, the family history was the issue this time. She listened, she took notes...I was happy that she was assigned to me for that clinic day. She then went and talked to her attending, and then they came back in with the diabetes educator (certified nurse) to talk about what to do. They decided that, at this point, they wanted me to monitor my blood sugars for a few weeks. I am right on the cusp of diabetes - but not quite there yet. He referred to the cutoff in the bloodwork as "arbitrary", which is true. Yes, I've been >125 on two successive blood draws, but why is 125 the cutoff and not 130? Anyway...

In a couple of weeks I will have a phone appointment with the diabetes nurse educator to review my sugars. I'm sure that, at that point, they will prescribe some kind of oral medication for me. And then we'll see what that does. He did say that I will most likely have to be on insulin when I am pregnant - but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

After some additional blood work (it's an academic medical center, they looove bloodwork), I met with the dietitian. I am doing a lot of things right - but I have to admit that I was not being careful about sweets and carbs for most of the past year. She gave me a nice list of what I should aim for during each day. Apparently consistency is key. At least it's pretty easy, now that I am eating many of my meals at home! And for those that I do not eat at home, I can easily pack my lunch.

I'm going to wrap this post up and write another one with other stuff...

Next steps

So...Picking up where I left off before. We were getting ready to find out if there was an actual reason (or two) why I have not gotten pregnant in the last 14 months.

My husband - N - had a semen analysis on September 30th. Lucky him! I wasn't here - I was traveling and was coming home the next day. Fortunately, we are blessed with a local academic medical center - where everything can be taken care of in one location. So he went in and completed his "deposit".

We picked up the results the next Friday - 3 days before I had my reproductive endocrinology appointment. Unfortunately, neither of us knows much about semen analysis. All we knew was that some of the numbers looked "off" and that it wasn't reading like a normal analysis. But, of course, we didn't know what was wrong and whether it was fixable. So I know I worried about it all weekend - we were off visiting N's parents. I don't know whether he did, but I'm sure it was in his thoughts.

I took the results with me on Monday when I went to the clinic for what turned out to be a very long initial appointment. First with the nurse, then the medical student, then the attending, then another nurse...

Anyway, apparently the diabetes on my side is NOT the reason we are not getting pregnant. Which is good - because I just couldn't figure out how that would be causing all of the problems. Instead, it looks as though we have some "male factor" issues related to motility (mainly) that could be causing our problems.

I have an appointment with regular endocrinology next Tuesday, and I fully expect them to say that I need to treat this like diabetes, even though my numbers are completely borderline. I have an appointment with the nutritionist after the endo appointment - and I'm sure that there I will learn that I have to cut back on my beloved bread, cookies, and ice cream. *sigh* Not that I was eating THAT well while working on the dissertation, but it's always whole grains, and, well..*sigh* I do love my carbs. But I'll get over it in the interest of living a little longer.

Anyway, the reproductive endocrinology people were remarkably straightforward about our next steps. I have to have a hysterosalpingogram on my next cycle, and on that same cycle (assuming all is well) we are going to start unmedicated IUI's. They said that I don't seem to have any problems ovulating and since sperm motility may be an issue, halving the distance to the egg might just work for us. Of course, if it doesn't, then we have to revisit the issue, but if it does, yay!

The whole HSG thing is because a) they only did an ultrasound about a month ago, and it doesn't show you anything about the fallopian tubes, and b) I might have a septate uterus. Weird, eh? I never thought there was anything structurally 'off' about me, but that just goes to show that you can't know anything from just the outside. ;)

So we'll see - I am happy about this course of action. Of course, they want the DM to be controlled, and it will be (I hope) with medication and careful monitoring. But I'm also happy that they have options for us here. AND, even better! I am still on my old insurance so I am not reducing the amount available on my soon-to-be-new insurance for infertility. So that is good. No, that is GREAT.

In other news, I have to call the grad college tomorrow. I forgot to take a phrase out of my dissertation in 3 places and I need to see if I can reprint 4 pages and bring them in tomorrow. *sigh* Such a doofus, I am. And I waited and waited today for my adviser to email me, but she was away for a few days. So, *sigh*. Dumb me. Hopefully the grad college will be in a forgiving mood (especially since it is not anything substantive...).

The First Post

The first post...I'm not even sure that anyone will ever read this, other than me. But I've kept a journal for a long time (not so much in the past 4 years...) and this seems like the logical next step. I (and my husband) are really at a fork in the road, and I want to be able to look back at what we are going through now, through the lens of where we will be.

I've finally finished a long graduate program that took a lot of mental, physical, and emotional energy. I'm so grateful to have come out the other side - still believing in what I study, still enjoying the thought of what I will do with my life - but finally, with the time to really live my life, to really think about things, and not to just get from one hurdle (or flaming hoop, take your pick) to another.

I'm technically unemployed for the next month...will be starting a post-doc at Big State University on November 3rd. I can't wait for the next phase in my career, but it is complicated by things we are going through in the rest of our lives.

For starters, it seems as though I have not dodged the bullet of diabetes in my family. Earlier this week I learned that my bloodwork on the 2nd go-round was still abnormal, that I would need to see an endocrinologist, and that in all likelihood I now face a life of blood sugar checks, eating fewer carbs (which makes me sad...I love pasta and cookies and crackers and, well, all the things that are not good for you in excess when you are diabetic...), and "lifestyle modification". It kind of ticks me off, honestly, because if you were to look at me (and my brother, and my mother) you would probably not pick us out of the crowd as the diabetics. We make good choices - whole wheat/whole grain flours, exercise 5-6 days/week, healthy fats, etc. etc. etc. And yet we are all now living with this. Well, I assume I will be, once I see the endocrinologist in a few weeks. I'm already frustrated - and I haven't even started the hard part yet!

For me, this carries extra weight (hah...) because my husband and I have been trying to have our first child for more than a year now. And we don't know why we haven't been successful. We don't know whether the diabetes is to blame (although it can't be THAT bad - my bloodwork wasn't that far out of the range of normal...), or whether there are other issues. The thing that has me worked up is that they won't start anything, infertility-wise, until the diabetes is "under control". My family members who have diabetes, however, have a notoriously difficult time getting their blood sugars under control...even when they are eating right, exercising, and taking their medications. So I am frustrated by the fact that this...thing might limit our chances to have (a) child(ren) of our own. I'm already 33...how much longer do we have to wait? What about the choices I made up until now? What have those done to our chances of having a child of our own? And where will go from here? What choices will we make?

I do have appointments with reproductive endocrinology and endocrinology - although the repro endo appointment is going to just be a "hey, here's a plan for when you have the dm under control...". At least I'll get some face time with them - and learn what they mean by "under control", what their philosophies are, etc.

My husband started a new job several months ago - we are lucky enough to have bought a lovely new house this summer - and, all things considered, we are living the American dream. But now I am someone with chronic health problems - someone like all of the someones I have worked with all of my professional life - except now that is me!

So...that is the idea behind the naming of this blog. I don't know if anyone will read it - at this point, I have my doubts! - but I do want to save my thoughts and feelings for the future. Looking back on my life, I've always gained clarity through the distance of time. I hope that the same is true at this point in my life, and that in five years, I will look back to see the decisions and choices that we made. And hopefully I will see how they got us to a new place - and a good one.