The first post...I'm not even sure that anyone will ever read this, other than me. But I've kept a journal for a long time (not so much in the past 4 years...) and this seems like the logical next step. I (and my husband) are really at a fork in the road, and I want to be able to look back at what we are going through now, through the lens of where we will be.
I've finally finished a long graduate program that took a lot of mental, physical, and emotional energy. I'm so grateful to have come out the other side - still believing in what I study, still enjoying the thought of what I will do with my life - but finally, with the time to really live my life, to really think about things, and not to just get from one hurdle (or flaming hoop, take your pick) to another.
I'm technically unemployed for the next month...will be starting a post-doc at Big State University on November 3rd. I can't wait for the next phase in my career, but it is complicated by things we are going through in the rest of our lives.
For starters, it seems as though I have not dodged the bullet of diabetes in my family. Earlier this week I learned that my bloodwork on the 2nd go-round was still abnormal, that I would need to see an endocrinologist, and that in all likelihood I now face a life of blood sugar checks, eating fewer carbs (which makes me sad...I love pasta and cookies and crackers and, well, all the things that are not good for you in excess when you are diabetic...), and "lifestyle modification". It kind of ticks me off, honestly, because if you were to look at me (and my brother, and my mother) you would probably not pick us out of the crowd as the diabetics. We make good choices - whole wheat/whole grain flours, exercise 5-6 days/week, healthy fats, etc. etc. etc. And yet we are all now living with this. Well, I assume I will be, once I see the endocrinologist in a few weeks. I'm already frustrated - and I haven't even started the hard part yet!
For me, this carries extra weight (hah...) because my husband and I have been trying to have our first child for more than a year now. And we don't know why we haven't been successful. We don't know whether the diabetes is to blame (although it can't be THAT bad - my bloodwork wasn't that far out of the range of normal...), or whether there are other issues. The thing that has me worked up is that they won't start anything, infertility-wise, until the diabetes is "under control". My family members who have diabetes, however, have a notoriously difficult time getting their blood sugars under control...even when they are eating right, exercising, and taking their medications. So I am frustrated by the fact that this...thing might limit our chances to have (a) child(ren) of our own. I'm already 33...how much longer do we have to wait? What about the choices I made up until now? What have those done to our chances of having a child of our own? And where will go from here? What choices will we make?
I do have appointments with reproductive endocrinology and endocrinology - although the repro endo appointment is going to just be a "hey, here's a plan for when you have the dm under control...". At least I'll get some face time with them - and learn what they mean by "under control", what their philosophies are, etc.
My husband started a new job several months ago - we are lucky enough to have bought a lovely new house this summer - and, all things considered, we are living the American dream. But now I am someone with chronic health problems - someone like all of the someones I have worked with all of my professional life - except now that is me!
So...that is the idea behind the naming of this blog. I don't know if anyone will read it - at this point, I have my doubts! - but I do want to save my thoughts and feelings for the future. Looking back on my life, I've always gained clarity through the distance of time. I hope that the same is true at this point in my life, and that in five years, I will look back to see the decisions and choices that we made. And hopefully I will see how they got us to a new place - and a good one.
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