February was filled with good news for lots of other people, but not us. I'll try the bullet method to sum things up...I'm really ready to move on to March. I mean, it's not like anything horrible happened, but it just wasn't the way that I wanted March to turn out.
- My college roommate is pregnant with her 2nd child. The irony here is that when we were in college, she had awful, awful endometriosis. I had to inject her with Lupron every month for a while - maybe 3-4 months? - to try to get it under control. She had surgery when we were juniors, and then again after we left college. And we were thinking that she would never get pregnant. But 3.5 years ago - right when we were planning our wedding - she did. Great news! We were so happy for her - I was so happy to have her, pregnant, standing up there with me. And now she is pregnant again. When we were in college, I thought for some reason that I would be a fertile Myrtle (hah) and so I offered my uterus in case she ever needed it. But now she is actually offering to me. *sigh* I'm not sure that I would ever take her up on it, but it just shows how life can bite you in the butt sometimes. I just wish that I could be purely happy for her...not happy tinged with sadness or jealousy. I hate that I can't just be happy for her - I want to be happy for her while also celebrating my own pregnancy. So, I am happy for her - but also sad for me. And sad that we will not have babies at the same time. I am hoping she has a wonderful, easy little baby with this one -her first child is...not as easy as I would have hoped. He still doesn't sleep that well, and he's going to be 3. So I hope she gets an easy one this time around. :)
- My best friend from high school - a fertile Myrtle if ever there was one, except for maybe my sister-in-law - asked me on the phone a few weeks ago if we were "ever going to think about having kids". I haven't told her about our issues - my surgery, the sperm count issues, etc. - because I just haven't wanted to get into it. Interesting, actually, now that I ponder it. I have much "newer" friends who I have told everything. It might be that this friend's mother is best friends with my mother - and from my experiences with that social network, I know that everything I tell her will eventually wind up getting back to my mother. Again, not that my mother doesn't know anything - but she doesn't know everything. And I'm not sure that I want her all up in my business about when I am ovulation/when we are doing IUI's, etc. So for now I am not telling Jennifer anything. Maybe someday, when we either have a baby, or have given up - I will tell her something.
- I had my first IUI on Valentine's weekend - or President's day weekend, whichever you prefer to call it. Positive OPK on Saturday afternoon, called and scheduled the IUI for Sunday. Lab director (I love how involved the head folks are at our hospital) called Saturday night - they were swamped with IVF transfers, and could we come a little later? So we showed up at 9:30, they took N back, he did his thing. There was this nasty, nasty woman there - fat, with a kerchief covering her hair, and I think she had flip flops on? It's a while ago now. Anyway, she was belching and coughing and was just generally nasty. I didn't want to get anywhere NEAR her, thank you very much. I read and tried to ignore her snorting, coughing, nasty self. Bleah. Once N finished up, we had to kill 1.5 hours in a very quiet hospital on a Sunday morning, on a long weekend. Oof. I was just glad we didn't run into anyone we know (small town and all that). We read in one of the patient lounge areas that I'm sure is much busier during the week. We went back, waited a bit (there was a woman there waiting for her embryo transfer) I picked up the specimen - forgot my DL in the waiting room, argh. She was nice and funny - the sample was rather viscous and I can't remember the exact nubmers, but the sample wasn't fantastic in terms of motility and number. Went upstairs...no, wait, downstairs, to the clinic, and found Lois, the RN on that weekend. N waited in the waiting room - he's not so keen on the whole hospital thing - while she did the IUI itself. They don't give you anywhere to put the sample - hello, it's hard to hold onto while you are getting your pants off! N came in when it was finished - she wanted me to wait 15 minutes - and we watched some HGTV. Decided to go out to lunch when all was finished. 15 minutes passed, I decided to get dressed, and then we couldn't find her. Nowhere to be found. It was so strange - we looked all over - N heard something down the hall, I looked in every room - nope. No Lois. So, so strange. So we just left - that was weird, too. Was she still there? Hiding somewhere? I mean, she had to know that we would be finishing up around then?? So that was strange. I figured I would call if I had questions. We went out to lunch, which was nice - I got a fantastic salad at this place downtown. Need to keep it in mind for lunches during the week, once the weather is warmer. And, you know, once the students head home for the summer. :) Came home and had a nice afternoon - took the dog for a walk, etc. So that was the first IUI - pretty anticlimactic, if you ask me.
- But I had a bad feeling about it from the beginning. I have no idea why - there was no reason to be particularly pessimistic about the procedure, N had a reasonable count once she washed and spun the sample, but I just felt really negative about it. I was tempted to not even give up wine for the two weeks - that was how bleah I felt about our chances. And, of course, yesterday I was proven right. BFN this cycle. I drank last night and I'm having a drink tonight - N is away until tomorrow afternoon and I just felt like drowning my sorrows a bit. Thank goodness I am home alone. :P I don't know what to think about the next IUI...I guess it will be in a couple of weeks (probably another weekend, knowing our luck) and I hope that it goes better than this one. It's weird - on the one hand, I was sure sure sure that it would work and I would be 32 weeks' pregnant and J&K's wedding in September. On the other hand, I just did not think it would work this time. So I'm not sure what that's all about. I'm sad it didn't work -just not surprised.
- So, on top of the whole unsuccessful IUI thing this month...a friend of ours who has probable PCOS and long cycles is pregnant. She found out on Thurs. She told me when she was ovulating - V-day weekend, of course! - and that they finally timed the sex right. And it worked. First time that they paid attention to the timing. Again, I'm so so happy for them - they will be great parents - but I am so so sad that it isn't this easy for us. I mean, I know they've been trying for a really long time, but the first time with opks? Seriously? It's just another kick in the teeth, as I told N. I just want to have a baby. Why does it have to be so hard?
- The other thing I have been thinking a lot about is whether we have the $$ for an IVF cycle. I am going to have to call the insurance company - I have a $25000 cap on infertility treatments, lifetime. I think that they just count what they pay to the hospital, not what the actual charges are, so that helps. But I don't know if we can afford it - or if the cap will cover it.
