Catch-up

Goodness, how did it get to be the END of January, now? Argh...I have so many thoughts about the whole process of trying to get pregnant going through my head, and then life interferes and I can barely finish what I need to finish, let alone type out my thoughts. Hang on, though - must flip the laundry...

Okay, I'm back. Anyway, nothing much is happening on the trying-to-get-pregnant front, because we decided to skip this cycle. I'm okay with that - if I had gotten pregnant, then the timing would have conflicted with N's brother's wedding. The wedding is much-anticipated (second wedding for him, after a disastrous first wedding) and I just know that if I hadn't been able to attend, then his parents would have made me feel guilty for it. Even though it would have been, you know, a medical reason. They are all about the drama. All about it. *sigh* So, anyway, we are going to pick up again next cycle. Fortunately, this cycle should end sometime this weekend - temp hasn't dropped yet but should - and then we are on our way.

It's interesting to ponder the whole IUI thing in the abstract, but I am still rather apprehensive about how it will actually occur in reality. It'll be interesting to see how I feel about it after the first one. I mean, we've been having timed/targeted inter.course for what feels like forever now, and each time that could have resulted in pregnancy, but each time, of course, it hasn't. So I am having a hard time getting my hopes up, to be honest. I just have this feeling that we'll blow through our three IUI's and only have enough money left for one IVF, and poof...there goes our chance at a family. We can't afford to adopt and, well, I guess that would be it. Who, me, overthink? Never...But it is something that's on my mind. I guess all I can do is wait and see what happens. And if I do get pregnant, my goodness, do we have some cleaning up to do in that middle bedroom...

N was asked - in a hey, this is maybe-possibly going to happen, do you think you could...? kind of way - to go to TX in Feb for this conference thing. However, on his own, he realized that it would conflict with the first IUI (likely, given my ovulation history) and poof! he blamed me, said we were going out of town, sorry, it's been planned, etc. etc. etc. Wow! It makes me happy that he is so aware and is, for lack of a better term, on board with all we've been through and decided in the last few months.

Classes started - I have to take a couple this semester, even though I am technically a post doc. Of course, overall I am just a huge, huge nerd, so I am happy to be back in classes...particularly since I don't have to take them for a grade. Yay, learning for learning's sake! (told you I was a nerd...) Anyway, it is good to be on-campus for a few hours a day, most days a week. I feel productive and engaged and....well, to be honest? I feel happier than I have felt in a long, long time. Maybe that's why I'm so ambivalent about the whole baby thing right now? Although I am angry about the octuplets...so angry that I don't even want to go there.

Anyway, it's good to be on campus. I am reconnecting with friends, with people I know on faculty, and making it known that we want to stay here when this post doc is done. I hope I will have a good shot at a faculty position when all is said and done...of course, I need to be productive in the post doc, first!

N is away until tomorrow at another conference, lucky him. Hm. I expected to hear from him before this - I guess things ran late this afternoon. Anyway, it's quiet here, but that's not all bad. I slept like the dead last night, and only woke up when my alarm went off. I love him, but sometimes? A bed to myself is just what I need...