Depths

I was hoping that this blog wasn't going to be all about our journey to have children, but those issues are the ones that are taking up space in my mind and heart these days. I'm very frustrated right now - and even though I know no one will likely read this, except for me, I'm going to use this space to try to work through some of what I am feeling. Plus, if we ever get lucky enough to have a child, I don't want to forget what we went through to get to that point.

Anyway, last cycle I wasn't able to have an HSG because I ovulated too early - day 8, if you can believe that. And they don't want to risk a potential pregnancy, even though the chances of us getting pregnant on our own are slim to none. And after talking about it with N, we didn't want to risk it either. What if this was the month? So I scheduled the HSG for next Weds (the day before Thanksgiving) after talking with the REI nurse, with the thought that I would get my period tomorrow, then the HSG would be on day 7, and all would be good. Oh, and we could try for an IUI, too, since I would not have ovulated before the HSG.

Except that I got my period yesterday, Sunday, making my last cycle 21 days. 21 days! Up until now, the shortest one has been 24 days. So I was upset yesterday because the timing is completely crappy...I would have to try to get an HSG this week, because what if I ovulate early again on this cycle? And N has to be out of town next Tues, and Thurs we're going to his parents' for Thanksgiving. So I was upset yesterday about that - he's going out of town because of this possible new job - but that means that we might miss doing an IUI on this cycle. I calmed down, though, once I realized that there was nothing I could do about it - and that N was willing to play with our schedule next week to make it so that we would be here Weds morning and Fri morning, meaning we only miss 2 days for the possible IUI.

But then, this morning, I called REI to ask to speak to a nurse, to try to get my HSG rescheduled for this week. And the person who answered the phone took all the info and then said she would look to see if there were any openings this week...and...there weren't. And I completely, completely lost it. Blubbering on the phone. Telling her that this happened last time, and that I didn't want to miss two cycles trying to get this done, etc. etc. etc. She was very nice on the phone, and didn't freak out on me, but she also can't override the schedule. The HSG's are done by residents at this hospital, so they require coordination between the medical and the radiology folks. She suggested I call the other hospital in town to see if they could get me in. So I had a nice big temper tantrum in the car. Crying, screaming, swearing at god, you name it. I was as upset and angry as I have been during this entire process. I got home - the poor dog, he was so confused. Why is she coming back from the grocery store sobbing? Spent some more time sobbing into a paper towel while I unpacked the groceries. Called hospital #2 and found out that they can't just do this for me - they need to have my doctor at my hospital refer me to an OB at their hospital to get it done. So that's not going to happen - at least not in time for me to get the procedure scheduled at their facility. Called my REI clinic back and got the same woman - she apologized, and told me she didn't realize that they couldn't just do it with an order from my doctor. She said she would have someone call me.

Then I called N and blubbered into the phone some more. This completely and totally sucks - there is no other word for it. I feel like I am being penalized because I have short cycles. They will schedule ahead for this - at least, they will now, with me - but can't they leave a slot open each week just in case??? Or have the option of adding slots if necessary? I really hate the thought that we might miss out on this cycle, too! That gets us to December - 1/3 of the way through the year (I count the years starting with my birthday - and I would really like to be pregnant before my next birthday - so August --> December = 4 months, 1/3 of the year). And NOTHING to show for it except for a bunch of clinic appointments and canceled appointments. I am really, really, really ticked off about this. And what is up with the 21 day cycle?? That has NEVER happened to me before - and makes me think that there might be something else going on that they have not figured out.

So I am teary, and tired, and really really really sick of all of this. And it's hardly begun! We haven't even had the chance to do an IUI yet, because I can't get this procedure done! I'm headachy, and just want to lie on the couch and feel sorry for myself. But I can't because, well, that's not the way I am. *sigh* N says it's okay to be upset - and then he apologized for having "slow swimmers". It's not HIS fault - I know he's just trying to make me feel better, but...I feel like this is all on me. And I'm being thwarted at every turn.

Time for some more tea. And maybe some Tylenol. I have a pounding headache...

Update (4 pm):
The nurse from the clinic (Lois, not Lori...I hate it when I remember people's names wrong...) called me and said that they could fit me in this Wednesday at 1:30 pm. So that is good - I'm not sure whether it's because I blubbered like an idiot this morning, or because they felt sorry for me. I'm just happy we don't have to wait another month. The woman this morning was sympathetic - but I suspect that she doesn't have the authority to squeeze or alter the schedule. Anyway...

Then the dog made me laugh - I was washing his blankets and towels with my running stuff (in the special non-stinky detergent) and he was at loose ends (he loooves his blankie). So when I took a work break, I went to look for him. I found him, up in the family room, on the couch. In his usual spot. And he had pulled my fleece blanket that I use at night down onto the couch with him, and was cuddled up with it. His ears were even cold! Poor baby. I took a few pictures and then brought him downstairs and gave him his warm-from-the-dryer towel.